28th April 2011

Why is it that my eyes are seeing what I am seeing... So much friction..
feeling totally down that everyone start going against me... I totally lost hope....

I am lucky I didn't open up people like you.. you guys only cared not because of genuine care but because it is a obligation to care.... Never once have you guys considered that huh?

i always thought I am something special. It never cross my mind that I was useless in people's eyes... put down by people like you.. not going to join you all anymore...

my heart hurts but I refuse to be weak... I won't shed tears.. only blood. My life is never happy...

Maybe on my birthday, I will just break
all the rules and just say out the true facts.. until then, too bad. ;)

overall day: Great until friction started to show......
overall mood: depressed/irritated/emotional/unhappy/angry/

I wanna shout out my anger or at the very least, cry to someone but I don't know who...... confirm won't be my parents. Confirm won't be my family... so messed up..

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27 April 2011

my personal goals in my life:
[ ] Succeed in my life. ( leaving behind a legacy that will impact people)
[ ] Be a eternal follower of Christ. (I know I won't be the best but I will give my best
[ ] Bringing salvation to all my friends. ( I am shot down by people's words... I won't rely on people anymore.. Independent stand)
[ ] Have a soulmate with me when I reach 25 ( before that age, I am sorry but relationship ain't my first in priority)

well that my personal goals. :)
so happy/sad/angry/moody.....
I don't understand people anymore... Why must people like you put me down?!?! At least apologize..

waste time.. oh well.. :) I am happy after spending time with Him. haha! :D

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27 April 2011 ( fragment)

just woke up after having a terrible nightmare.. the past flashbacks are so scary. :'(
4am...
who am I to think that I can live a positive life? I lost my true me... only You saved me. :')
I will be faithful till the end...
Who can I trust? Who are my real friends?? I have caused a lot friction because of my actions. I am so sorry...

better not think too much again.....
EDWIN!! stop thinking too much!!! you are someone special! :D

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26th April 2011

had F&N practical today and for the first time, I didn't mess up the presentation! yes! You are good! so blessed to have You answering to my call. :D

sadly though, didn't really do well for my cooking... my food test terrible and wasn't even cooked properly.. sad. :(

Oh well, can't really hope for the best.. I am just happy that I managed to get past today! :D Chinese oral!! oh my!! haha!

oh well, gonna sleep now... gotta start waking up at 3 to study! :)

overall day: long and tiring! keep feeling so tired all the time. :<

overall mood: emotional and very downed... gotta start pulling myself up

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25th April 2011

As stupid as I sound, I realized that there is one person who I can really trust in my life and that is God alone.. that great sensation of peace... :)

I love myself for making such a decision. :D haha!
LOL! have been getting into so emotional this few days that I totally ignore about my current life.. :) must be connected to my life.. trust people more but trust God 100%. :D

been studying so hard yet I feel like I am slacking.. should start studying now. :) 6 pm to 9 pm then play PSP till 10pm! wohoo! love my life... :)

I know I have not been posting much on my evaluation so gonna make if a habit to write it. :D

overall day: tired and beat up but feeling so energized after P&W! :)

overall mood: moody and totally down but somehow feeling so happy after spend time with God! :D

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22nd April 2011

it's good to know that someone you can talk to in your life.
I really shouldn't show my soft spot huh? I am really afraid of being betrayed by people. :'(

Gotta put up a strong image. No problem.
This is my life, my Walk, my Faith.
thanks everyone for the encouragement. :)

Gonna serve like a experienced security but have the same feeling of serving it for the first time. :D

My talent is elsewhere. maybe not in evangelism but perhaps in serving. :|

gonna flow with the Holy Spirit. :D

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20th April 2011

feeling so hurt by lashes..
Confused
Insecure
Discouraged
I wanna be more like You.
being the salt and being someone who will shine Your light other people..
I don't wanna backslide because of 1 incident but I feel hurt.. maybe she was unwise.. not going to take this with me anymore.
I wanna be myself starting from tomorrow. :)

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20th April 2011 (fragment)

I feeling very scared now.. that dream and that feeling never goes away... hope today is a great day... I shall do my best and let God finish doing the rest. :|

having barely any faith but I believe.. pls answer my prayer.

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19th April 2011

Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you.

-Hebrews 13:17
I see now.. maybe I should not have reacted that way.. I will sincerely apologize... better obey my leaders.. the reason she is a leader is because of His will.. I won't disobey Your orders.

I seek for perfection although nobody can be perfect. :)

I want to be more like You. give me a second chance and help me remove all the pain and emotions away from me.

thank You..

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17th April 2011

I really ought to start believing in His words.. no more letting my emotions lose control of myself..
I wanna serve without any heartache or without any worrying thoughts that hinder my judgement. I lift up my life into Your hands.

getting emotional yet again.. :P
gonna start writing cards for Easter people. :) Jia You Edwin! :D

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16th April 2011 (beginning)

A start of a new day!! :) CG food is prepared and I have finished praying. :)

being totally radical at 4am in the morning by waking up and praying. I really although it didn't last very long either..... hmm... really ought to start building up my spiritual walk. don't rely on facts alone. have faith and all things are possible. :)

really hope that today will be a great day! svc plus outing plus CG plus prayer meeting with school mates. :D

I wonder when will this positive thinking stop uh.. I am afraid that I will drop again.. :(

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15th April 2011

Finally after sports day! so bored and so much time wasted but it is totally worthwhile! :) haha!!

spend most of the time making a fool of myself and at the same time, spend the remaining days playing with people. :) lobe listening to P&W songs for CCH! haha! :)

I think I know what I really need i my life now. need to be close with God's family. at the same time, gonna start bringing peeps to know God.

I will be faith filled. :)

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15th April 2011 (fragment)

I hope today will be better. no more flowing with anyone... I just wanna do things my way. :)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

14th April 2011

Went to hang out with 2 of my best CG mates. Although it was nothing special, I feel that I was included in a family. I really felt that I was part of God's family.

I just feel totally angry and annoyed that my church school mates don't even include me in the discussion on Easter day... I know I should not have fallen asleep and I apologize for that but that doesn't mean that you have to treat me like an outsider..

I had enough of people like you! Just don't talk to me altogether! you just keep making me more annoyed and disappointed of you. -_-" oh man.. couldn't believe I am thinking like this... really sorry.. :(

so angry today especially those 2 idiots who keep challenging my educational knowledge. You think you big ar!? n level get so high still dare to talk so much cock! I trying to teach you yet you complain saying my knowledge is wrong?!

So what if u can identify 1 or 2 of my mistakes in my answers? It just means that I am not careful. Stop thinking that you are some genius! here I am teaching you how to do yet you refuse to listen and complain saying my answer is wrong! if it I'd wrong then do it yourself la! noob!
act so spiritual and yet keep saying different things.. don't lie to yourself la!

Totally so angry with the both of them.... really ought to control my temper.... Don't you all dare to step on me! I don't usually blow up but don't go try me. you will be sorry if you do.


Well, other than that, I feel that I should take actions into my own hands. No more hiding myself anymore. I wanna start reaching out on my own and I won't hold back.

overall day: terrible and long.. wish tomorrow is better

overall mood: angry and annoyed. so many people pushing the wrong buttons in me. gotta control it.. :|

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11th April 2011 ( fragment)

I wanna fill this blog with positive thoughts instead of negative ones.. gonna make a commitment to do that from now onwards. :)

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11th April 2011

The song 'You are my Father' never fails to make me so amazed by God's love.
ever since I made the best choice in 4th April 2011. sure I may have gone through persecution and some even question about my Faith.. But I chose to believe as He filled up my emptiness. in my heart. I now I didn't have much ability and I was a burden to society but you chose to love me despite all that. :)

My entire life is Yours. I will follow and do things according to Your plans.

The 10 commandments I will follow. no more falling back to sinful ways. I am made holy by You.

Oh my... didn't know I would get so emotional again.. :( better avoid being emotional.. I wanna learn how to play the guitar and drums. can anyone teach me??? I seriously wanna get a guitar but no money.. :'(
overall day: slow and normal
overall mood: emotional and depressed for no reason. :(

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10th April 2011

feel so impacted that my leader talked to me yesterday. :) This was the very first time I actually opened up to my leaders. for once, a heavy load of burden and insecurity just got lifted up and off of me.
I really feel so blessed to have such a wonderful leader and such a amazing person to disciple me.

although this brings me to my very next big question.. how can I control my emotions and not let it run wild? I wanna pray and ask God about this..

had a really awesome day today. :)
overall day: awesome and productive
overall mood: average and stable.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

7th April 2011

the people I have met in my life.. so many of them and each of them has a different personality.

However, the people that I want in my life now are my CG people and the person who brought me to Christ. :) with that I have learn a lot of things. I can never thank her enough.

I also thank God for how much he has done in my life. :) for drawing closer to you, I have learned important life lesson from You.

You are going be everything in my life story! I am not going to let you be just a chapter in my life! :)

I know I may not be much but I believe anything is possible. I may not be talented but I believed I am doing my best!

I am a failed experiment but I am the only experiment that can survived and do so well. This shows how determined I am. :)

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5th April 2011

I wanna shout FML! but I don't know why I wanna shout it... I wanna shout out loud that I hate myself but I don't know why.. LOL! being totally random and emotional here... really ought to stop doing all this useless work. have to start on my study soon.

so sad no time to do quiet time. :'(
overall day: long and tiring. plus full of surprises all the time

overall mood: mixed feeling.... angry, happy, sad then emotional... oh my.. mood swing!! :(

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

2nd April 2011

I want Christianity to be my entire life story. I don't it to be just another chapter with a sad ending in it.
I may not have a good past but I wanna have a awesome present and a great future. :)
I know as long I am with God, I can overcome all things.
I will wait faithfully and serve faithfully in Your house... even if it is painful each day.
I know that there may be pain in the night, bit joy comes in the morning. :)
I thank You for opening my eyes to all the things unseen. :)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]