29th August 2011

The talk with my CGL really helped me lifted up my burdens. I shared with him my personal problems and he really guided me with advices and encouragement.

I learned that emotions cannot be controlled but can be channeled to other area. That is from my CGL. It really impacted me. I want to channel that energy to another area. The area of playing the guitar for God. I wanna give my guitar skills to glorify Him. Never self condemn yourself for the past mistakes.... let go and break free.

Really thank everyone for the continuous support and encouragement. I wanna mention a few names especially.

Samantha Ng:
A person who never stop giving me advice even though she didn't have to. A person who is a strong woman of God. A person that really inspire me to become a Christian. I really amazed that I have such a friend. Haha. She would always quote Bible verses to encouragement me. That's really amazing.

Swee Kheng:
A person who never fails to cheer me up. Just SMSing her would make me smile. She is like a friend who would be there when I am completely down and somewhat make me smile. haha! A really amazing friend. :) So cheerful and yet funny person to be with.

My CGL for taking the time to know more about my life and my problems. I really should inform my leader who is directly leading me.
He prayed for me and encouraged me despite the fact that he had a really tight schedule. I am amazed that I have such a amazing leader who would take time to sow in my life.
I will change for him. No more being emotional.
This is my life, I will crush Satan down with my strengths.


For the cause by Planetshakers

For the cause of Christ
I will lay down my life
For the cause of Christ I will stand

I will give my all to
Give Him glory
For the cause of Christ I live

You gave your all for me
Came as you’re answering to set me free
Love so amazing give up
Your blood shared on Calvary for all man kind

I stand in awe
Of the wonder of your love
I stand in awe of you

For the cause of Christ
I will lay down my life
For the cause of Christ I will stand

I will give my all to
Give Him glory
For the cause of Christ I live

I will worship
Jesus my King of all glory

28th August 2011

Back after so long... Gonna finish up on my notes before sending it to people... I am not going to send to everyone..


I miss my old friends... Why did you reject me?


I think this would be my last day in church.. before I am letting go.. I hope the talk with my CGL would help me for the better...

is the person avoiding me? It seems as though the friends I tried to help even avoided me... life sucks for me now...

I keep getting attacked.. I feel like giving up my life... My only hopes are shattered. :C

Verse 1

Your Love will never fail me

Your name it calms my every sea

Forever, my King forever

My God is bigger than the storm

Beat down the death & won the war

Forever, my King forever

Pre Chorus

You’re leaning with me through the bends

& You carry me when I give in

Chorus

When my seas are raging no I’m not letting go

If my heart is caving you hold me up with the cross

When my colours fade you paint me with your love

Oh my fear has hit the ground I see through the storm

15th August 2011

Service last Saturday with Pastor Sy Rogers is impacting and powerful.. I can't believe that I learn so much just by listening to him preach.

Oh well, Let's not get too spiritual talking about church.. I wanna share something that is really burning me right now. I hope I don't get too emo or sad again...

Well, 1 of the reason why I am feeling so sad now is not because I lost my friends in school, but because of the fact I had to face bullies in schools. It's quite ironic huh? I am so big sized and strong yet to be bullied by people.. Haha.. Ironic it is.. Well, I would want to write out their names here but not gonna spell it out. Just their initials.

(TBC and GYT)


(TBC)
I had enough of them trying to bully me... I don't like it when he try to punch me and be a total jerk to me for no apparent reason....
Always inflicting wounds on me ( both physical and emotional) just because I care... What's wrong with being a top student?

I can still remember national day which is recently. I am just trying to have fun only and I didn't notice that I was blocking your way. Instead of saying excuse me like you would to other people, you land a blow on my back which was still injured and ask me to "F**** off!"

When you actually did that, I was smiling but deep within my heart, I was getting ready to fight back. I clench my fist so tightly and charged up my strength waiting for a striking range.. I waited for the correct timing trying to hit your vital points but strangely, I couldn't perform it...
I let lose my fist knowing that I shouldn't do it...
I know that I won't let my other self take over me... I just felt that I shouldn't do it.. I know that I shouldn't blame you for treating me like this..

(GYT)

I don't have any idea how I offended you, I am just talking to people when all of a sudden you just ask me to "shut the F**** up" foe no reason. I am sharing my life with someone and all you say is that...

I also noticed a long time ago that you had been avoiding me.

Look here, I sincerely apologize if there is any problems with me. I know I am not perfect but I don't think I need such a treatment..


I know that I am arrogant but I am trying to change.. How long do you have to do this to me?
I don't know what to do know... Who can I really approach? I don't really know.. Sad. :(

Am I really that hated by people this much? am I really that obnoxious?

4th August 2011

Holding everything together... Barely scraping through...
God is real....

Trying to love again...

Trying to be myself...

Trying to fight for what I believe in....

Trying.... Am I really trying??

Sigh.....

Friends and family support?? Never had any in the first place.........

Friends abandon people who are in needs and only celebrate if I had a achievement..

Family would just speak death into me and just highlight my flaws. When I do achieve something MYSELF, you both ( well, it's only her but he is forced into it) would just come in and claim MY achievement as your hard work...


I won't be so gullible next time......


6.52pm

Finally feeling so great.. :) music is my life.. Thank you for the support... :)

Serving in FOP. Can't wait.. Too excited!! LOL!!!


Note to self:
This will be the last time I will smile for anyone.. From today onwards, I will have zero sympathy for my classmates.. The only people that I will smile would be my friends..


There has been rumors that someone in my class likes me.. Stop spreading wrg information... -_-" sheesh.. Why would anyone like in me?? I have poor attitude plus I not rich or handsome lo... Lol...

3rd August 2011

This ain't what I wanted in life... This ain't what I expected... Death of a dream?? I hope so... Not in the mood to even blog about it...
Haiz...

Can't cry but can't smile..

My greatest needs are family and Friends support... I don't even have that.. How pathetic...

Getting very emotional... Maybe I should just blog about it and forget about talking...

Been so hurt... Let's just rewind those few moments where I have..

Ever since the break up of LL and RS, things didn't went well in my life... The fact that RS doesn't trust me and the fact that he made a complete change for the worse...

In my mind, I was told not to get myself into trouble... But in my heart, it told me to give compassion and help... Why did I do it??? I have no idea...

Ever since then... I broke off with that clique of peeps. ( Well, just RS and not the rest)

I tried to pull other friends from their side over but I failed... :(

My family at home would always quarrel and argue... I would always make mistakes in pastoral work and I would always end up with nothing while my friends would just rise up...


Hanging out with Christian friend like LZ didn't help much... Why would anyone laugh at pain and sadness?? Why would you call yourself a Christian???

Persecution are so painful especially if it comes from your very own brother and family... How much more do you want from me???


I tried to wake up early to study hard.. I know I am running out of time now... I hate myself... Help pls... I wanna just let someone know my pain.. I burned myself this time...

Can anyone understand my pain??? Only God does but who else???

My life is so perfect... Still.... I wanna give my best..

I am feeling crushed.... I don't dare to share my pain to my leaders for fear of being discipled by them and remove from pastoral altogether....

I wanna commit myself to church....



They once told me this...

Emotions are just hormones and information that are fired into the brain when the body reacts to circumstances around himself both physically and mentally. It is possible if given the correct condition, the mind can cease to ignore emotion.. By then, a strong logical with high IQ and EQ would conquer anything and anyone..

One of the most effective catalyst would be solitude living condition.

Well, it used to be true for me but as time went by... I can't stop ignoring my emotions... My emotions are hindering my judgement...


I cannot cry infront of anyone... Not ever...

I wish I have someone remembering me when I die....