Been updating this blog recently... So much that I have been doing it daily...
Hang out with the usual group of people... I don't think I have a group.. -_-"
I feel so wrong trying to explain myself but here goes.
With each day passing, I feel like the friendship within you and me starts to drift apart so much that now we both just small talk. :| I miss the time where I had fun with the group.. Now it feels like there is no trust towards me anymore. :(
A few days ago had a really fierce encounter with FYY and LLZ. ( not going to list out their name but those who know, keep it a secret yeah?)
FYY: walao! You see this. Christian only help Christian then other people you don't care and act so coldly.
Me: what?? No way! You don't any how. Haha.
LLZ: You bring dishonor to Christian sia. Always hold hatred towards people, still act like you very holy....
Me: (Offended but keep controlled myself and spoke calmly) What? Eh? What I do? Then you leh?
LLZ: Unlike you, I talk with everyone and I have good relationship with everyone cause I CHOSE LOVE! I don't hold grudge against anyone and I love people people regardless of who they are!
Me: (Smiling) oh.. Haha..
That was how the conversation goes... It went downhill from there on..
On the inside, I was shattered... I started to wonder what did I wrong to deserve Christians to even persecute me? Didn't you do enough damage to me?
I did love people. I try to be fair towards everyone. I know that I make mistake but to other people you guys think it's okay. However, when I make a mistake, you all treat it like it's a crime that is fit for a death sentence.
I tried explaining to you guys but you all already have that prejudice against me? What more can I do?
I really feel that I am stupid... I was the person to cause this due to my unwise decision. I am really sorry...
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
24th September 2011
7.14pm
Blogging using my IPod touch. On my way back from service. Had a outing after service and went to parkway parade. Went to have lunch and them hanging out at the food. Kinda normal day.
I just feel something really different after that prayer meeting. I just feel like something has ignited in my heart.
During that prayer meeting, something tell me that I should pray at the top of my lungs. I had this sudden urge and I obeyed. That brought the Presence of God down. =O
Had a really strange revelation. Do 't even know if it's mine or just copied from someone...
"Edwin, walk with Me. Lift up your problems to me and obey me once more. Use your talent once more for me. Don't abandon it"
Today Dominic Leong perched about commitment. That really somewhat like the same revelation to what I experienced at the prayer meeting.. =O
Oh my... Getting to spiritual again.. :|
Better not talk too much.
Always people keep complaining that I am a hypocrite.. That feeling that I brought dishonor... Never been sleeping properly for like 10 consecutive nights. :(
The intensity of the nightmare is starting to take a huge toll on me..
Darn.. From emo to emotionless.. :| sigh..
Anyways, had a really fun time talking to people especially Edwin Wee. Haha. (yep! Same name as me!!) called me saying that he missed me. That really made my day. Hahaha! Love people like that. XD
<3
Gotta play the guitar the moment I reach home. Wahaha. :)
My friend's guitar has become a part of me. :) lol. Must touch it at least once a day. Haha.
Oh. Also SMS Swee Kheng yesterday. Awesome SMS chat. Haha. She never fail to cheer me up. So funny! ^-^ haha!
Lol! I am sounding like a gay by writing this huh?? Not interested?? please leave quietly. :|
Having problems expressing and explaining my problems to people. Sad.. :(
10.36pm
I miss talking to my old friends.. I wanna remain positive!
Only expressing my problems through blogs. Haha.
Oh well, bye! :)
Blogging using my IPod touch. On my way back from service. Had a outing after service and went to parkway parade. Went to have lunch and them hanging out at the food. Kinda normal day.
I just feel something really different after that prayer meeting. I just feel like something has ignited in my heart.
During that prayer meeting, something tell me that I should pray at the top of my lungs. I had this sudden urge and I obeyed. That brought the Presence of God down. =O
Had a really strange revelation. Do 't even know if it's mine or just copied from someone...
"Edwin, walk with Me. Lift up your problems to me and obey me once more. Use your talent once more for me. Don't abandon it"
Today Dominic Leong perched about commitment. That really somewhat like the same revelation to what I experienced at the prayer meeting.. =O
Oh my... Getting to spiritual again.. :|
Better not talk too much.
Always people keep complaining that I am a hypocrite.. That feeling that I brought dishonor... Never been sleeping properly for like 10 consecutive nights. :(
The intensity of the nightmare is starting to take a huge toll on me..
Darn.. From emo to emotionless.. :| sigh..
Anyways, had a really fun time talking to people especially Edwin Wee. Haha. (yep! Same name as me!!) called me saying that he missed me. That really made my day. Hahaha! Love people like that. XD
<3
Gotta play the guitar the moment I reach home. Wahaha. :)
My friend's guitar has become a part of me. :) lol. Must touch it at least once a day. Haha.
Oh. Also SMS Swee Kheng yesterday. Awesome SMS chat. Haha. She never fail to cheer me up. So funny! ^-^ haha!
Lol! I am sounding like a gay by writing this huh?? Not interested?? please leave quietly. :|
Having problems expressing and explaining my problems to people. Sad.. :(
10.36pm
I miss talking to my old friends.. I wanna remain positive!
Only expressing my problems through blogs. Haha.
Oh well, bye! :)
Friday, September 23, 2011
23rd September 2011
6.50am now. On my way to school now.. Woke up at 3am and started to study at 3.30am.
Studied till 5 then went back to sleep.
Sounds very lifeless huh?? Can agree with that though. Haha. XD
Couldn't sleep due to some nightmares that I have been having now. The intensive feeling just keeps growing..
Will blog later I guess. Can't gather my thoughts now.. :|
7.33pm
Had a really awesome time going all the to pasir ris to Celebrate Ben's birthday. Awesome time playing with his Guinea pig named Guinea. :P
Haha. Awesome day. Too bad O levels starting really soon. Need to buckle up and rush home do my study rule. As of now, I have 5.5 hours more before I can come church. =O need to rush home now!!! Hope I don't blow my curfew again! :(
I wonder if there is any strong coffee at home. :P
Studied till 5 then went back to sleep.
Sounds very lifeless huh?? Can agree with that though. Haha. XD
Couldn't sleep due to some nightmares that I have been having now. The intensive feeling just keeps growing..
Will blog later I guess. Can't gather my thoughts now.. :|
7.33pm
Had a really awesome time going all the to pasir ris to Celebrate Ben's birthday. Awesome time playing with his Guinea pig named Guinea. :P
Haha. Awesome day. Too bad O levels starting really soon. Need to buckle up and rush home do my study rule. As of now, I have 5.5 hours more before I can come church. =O need to rush home now!!! Hope I don't blow my curfew again! :(
I wonder if there is any strong coffee at home. :P
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
21st September 2011
Blogging while on the way home from school. Had a really awesome and simple with Sze Hao and Shahrin after our Prelims ended. (Yes! You didn't read it wrongly, it ended!!! :D wohoo!!! )
Anyways, Chinese paper was difficult like mad.. :P haiyo. :( oh well..
Took some funny pictures while shopping with them. No offense guys? Found this at Cold Storage.
Hmm.. Something about myself.. Well, was a depressed yesterday and this morning but feeling much better now. Kinda miss the times where I would wake up and see a new message when I actually wake up early. :| haha. (3am to be exact)
Feels like I am not obeying His commandments. :( Got this revelation a few months ago but didn't think it meant anything until now.
Do you want God to be another chapter in your life or do you want Him to become your lifestory??
Oh well, signing off! :D Results tomorrow!!! :D
Anyways, Chinese paper was difficult like mad.. :P haiyo. :( oh well..
Took some funny pictures while shopping with them. No offense guys? Found this at Cold Storage.
Hmm.. Something about myself.. Well, was a depressed yesterday and this morning but feeling much better now. Kinda miss the times where I would wake up and see a new message when I actually wake up early. :| haha. (3am to be exact)
Feels like I am not obeying His commandments. :( Got this revelation a few months ago but didn't think it meant anything until now.
Do you want God to be another chapter in your life or do you want Him to become your lifestory??
Oh well, signing off! :D Results tomorrow!!! :D
Saturday, September 17, 2011
17th September 2011
Went to work today... Now blogging on the way home.. :( I wanted to go church today but my dad is sick till the point that I need to look after his business. Oh man... Feeling so tired now... Sigh..
Couldn't sleep this morning. Been having nightmares.. I feel really scared now.. Those feelings felt so real. Keep having flashbacks for some reason..
Yesterday was having my food and nutrition Prelims exam. Was thinking about someone for no reason halfway through my exams.. Of all people, why her??? >.< Aiyo!!! Better not think about it. Haha..
Anyways, was working and I ended up injuring my left knee again.. Ouch... Kicked against the car when I tried to get in.. Now my leg is in pain....
Ouchy!!! Came back only around 3pm to eat the ice cream. :) awesome!!! But so tired.. Hmm... Oh well..
Been having so many exams lately. Got 1 incident I wanna share though.. Came to school early as i wanted to study but the security guard confiscated my pass and marked me late for coming to school 5 hours early. =O
Tried to explain to the guard that I had exams but he told me it was OM's order. In my mind I was stunned! Lucky Mr Lim was there to save the day. (hip-hip hooray!) LOL! XD
I notice I am being very childish. I apologize uh!! Sorry!
Anyways, the papers so far felt kinda easy. Wish I was hardworking back then and studied. :( really wanted to go express class. Sad.
Oh well... Still very down and depressed.. Was hoping someone would drop a SMS and ask how I am doing. Better not to ask for help. =X
I have a really strong feeling that my CG and I are not very connected.. Oh my! Shouldn't think like this.. I wanna show God's love to other people!! =)
Still thinking about what he said every time I someone talks to me about God's love.. Those words echo through my mind all the time...
"You never have God's love which is why you can never love other people.."
Words have huge impact... Never say something without thinking twice. Once words are said, they can never return and before you know it, the damage or impact is done..
"I really feel that you are arrogant and that you have pride in your life"
Another sentence that got carved into my life... :(
I am so sorry... :( I feel that I don't even push hard enough.. I wanna change.. I don't wanna ignore His calling.
Couldn't sleep this morning. Been having nightmares.. I feel really scared now.. Those feelings felt so real. Keep having flashbacks for some reason..
Yesterday was having my food and nutrition Prelims exam. Was thinking about someone for no reason halfway through my exams.. Of all people, why her??? >.< Aiyo!!! Better not think about it. Haha..
Anyways, was working and I ended up injuring my left knee again.. Ouch... Kicked against the car when I tried to get in.. Now my leg is in pain....
Ouchy!!! Came back only around 3pm to eat the ice cream. :) awesome!!! But so tired.. Hmm... Oh well..
Been having so many exams lately. Got 1 incident I wanna share though.. Came to school early as i wanted to study but the security guard confiscated my pass and marked me late for coming to school 5 hours early. =O
Tried to explain to the guard that I had exams but he told me it was OM's order. In my mind I was stunned! Lucky Mr Lim was there to save the day. (hip-hip hooray!) LOL! XD
I notice I am being very childish. I apologize uh!! Sorry!
Anyways, the papers so far felt kinda easy. Wish I was hardworking back then and studied. :( really wanted to go express class. Sad.
Oh well... Still very down and depressed.. Was hoping someone would drop a SMS and ask how I am doing. Better not to ask for help. =X
I have a really strong feeling that my CG and I are not very connected.. Oh my! Shouldn't think like this.. I wanna show God's love to other people!! =)
Still thinking about what he said every time I someone talks to me about God's love.. Those words echo through my mind all the time...
"You never have God's love which is why you can never love other people.."
Words have huge impact... Never say something without thinking twice. Once words are said, they can never return and before you know it, the damage or impact is done..
"I really feel that you are arrogant and that you have pride in your life"
Another sentence that got carved into my life... :(
I am so sorry... :( I feel that I don't even push hard enough.. I wanna change.. I don't wanna ignore His calling.
Friday, September 16, 2011
16th September 2011
I feel very weak and exposed now that I have revealed my weakness to my leaders.... I really feel very scared and so insecure this time round...
Gotta stop thinking so much... I wanna go zone F tomorrow. God I pray for your healing to be upon my dad. I pray that he won't fall sick and You will have divine protection over his life. In Jesus name I pray, Amen...
Really feeling emotional and empty... Not going to blog today I guess..
Gotta stop thinking so much... I wanna go zone F tomorrow. God I pray for your healing to be upon my dad. I pray that he won't fall sick and You will have divine protection over his life. In Jesus name I pray, Amen...
Really feeling emotional and empty... Not going to blog today I guess..
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
13 September 2011
Such a depressing and terrible day....
It really feels as if nobody cared about me at all...
I guess I really don't deserve anyone's love in the first place.
I didn't chose to become like this.. I was born this way. I suffered too much that I lost myself.. I sold everything I had to stay alive till now... What makes you think I will break down this easily???
Sometimes I feel like converting my sadness into anger but I didn't for I really fear the fact that I will lose myself again...
I was taught to fight for justice.... But the truth was that justice never existed...
It really feels as if nobody cared about me at all...
I guess I really don't deserve anyone's love in the first place.
I didn't chose to become like this.. I was born this way. I suffered too much that I lost myself.. I sold everything I had to stay alive till now... What makes you think I will break down this easily???
Sometimes I feel like converting my sadness into anger but I didn't for I really fear the fact that I will lose myself again...
I was taught to fight for justice.... But the truth was that justice never existed...
Thursday, September 8, 2011
8 September 2011
Blogging while on the way home. Went to ECP to cycle with my CG. Totally awesome. :)
Meet some great friends and some 'special' friends.. =O
Lol... I think I am being bad by saying that.. :P haha.
Anyway, had a really great time with them. Cycled with them to Changi (only made it half cause of time constrains. :P ) and had dinner with them.
I just found out recently that Cheryl Chan is leading F1. =O surprised ttvm.. Haha! lol!
Now on the way rushing to NUH to meet with my uncle ( my mother's brother). Kinda shocked that he had a heart attack again. Oh my.. Praying for him. Hope that everything will be alright..
Something about myself, I had this terrible thought that I wanna cut myself yesterday. :( I can't believe I still have that thought... The last time I had this was when I was in primary school.... :(
I am feeling quite desperate now..... What did I do wrong this time round??? Everything seems so perfect from secondary 1... Now it all collapse completely.... Lost my only best friend and relentless attacks from people. I really feel cornered by circumstances... I know small people complain.. I better not complain....
I just wish that I would pull through this valley... I am feeling hurt... I keep disobeying His commandments. Why??? My brother's situation is getting from bad to worse... Is it because me?? Darn...
Life sucks as of now.. Sigh... Nobody understands me.... Not even myself... I think I just wanna ask Sam for her opinion...
Anyways, Swee Kheng introduce me to a song which I like so much. Song that saved my life by Simple Plan. Such a meaningful song. Gonna practice this song on the guitar during my free time. In the mean time, I just wanna practice Heart Of Worship and Freedom We Know or Happy Day. (can't decide which song to practice!!!) :)
Meet some great friends and some 'special' friends.. =O
Lol... I think I am being bad by saying that.. :P haha.
Anyway, had a really great time with them. Cycled with them to Changi (only made it half cause of time constrains. :P ) and had dinner with them.
I just found out recently that Cheryl Chan is leading F1. =O surprised ttvm.. Haha! lol!
Now on the way rushing to NUH to meet with my uncle ( my mother's brother). Kinda shocked that he had a heart attack again. Oh my.. Praying for him. Hope that everything will be alright..
Something about myself, I had this terrible thought that I wanna cut myself yesterday. :( I can't believe I still have that thought... The last time I had this was when I was in primary school.... :(
I am feeling quite desperate now..... What did I do wrong this time round??? Everything seems so perfect from secondary 1... Now it all collapse completely.... Lost my only best friend and relentless attacks from people. I really feel cornered by circumstances... I know small people complain.. I better not complain....
I just wish that I would pull through this valley... I am feeling hurt... I keep disobeying His commandments. Why??? My brother's situation is getting from bad to worse... Is it because me?? Darn...
Life sucks as of now.. Sigh... Nobody understands me.... Not even myself... I think I just wanna ask Sam for her opinion...
Anyways, Swee Kheng introduce me to a song which I like so much. Song that saved my life by Simple Plan. Such a meaningful song. Gonna practice this song on the guitar during my free time. In the mean time, I just wanna practice Heart Of Worship and Freedom We Know or Happy Day. (can't decide which song to practice!!!) :)
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
7th September 2011
Quick post before going back to study.....
Listening to back to December made me have flashbacks of her.... :(
Should have just deleted that song.. D: oh well,
I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up, and I know why
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time
These days, I haven't been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, and I didn't call
Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time
I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right
I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand
This is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time, all the time
Listening to back to December made me have flashbacks of her.... :(
Should have just deleted that song.. D: oh well,
I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up, and I know why
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time
These days, I haven't been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, and I didn't call
Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time
I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right
I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand
This is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time, all the time
Thursday, September 1, 2011
2nd September 2011
I just realized that I will always blog only when I have a problem in life...
Parents yesterday had a fierce argument. I don't know the reason why...
I only know that my mother yesterday was having a mood swing yesterday.
Instead of being sad last time, I choose to hold my tears back. I didn't want to be send back to IMH again....
Talked to Swee Kheng abaout it. nothing much to blog about..
Had a outing with Adrian, Ryan, Ming Zhi and Cheston yesterday. The outing felt so different this time round. I lost such a friend and now, I just feel that Ryan is not the same person I once knew... It just feels so awkward trying to salvage the friendship.
I want to integrate Adrian and Sze Hao but Because of him, I lost their trust altogether...
I have lost trust with him and with that, I have lost the group of friends that I have.... I want to tell them that I don't think I can do it but well, I believe that God is there for me. I won't stop believing
This are the times in life where I just wanna scream and shout out my anger..
Now, blogging with my laptop... My mother is packing her luggage and moving away this time. I really hope that she doesn't come back this time round... I really have no hope for my parents... It so messed up.
My brother is a atheist while my dad is a Buddhist pastor. Technically, I am supposed to be the successor of my dad but I chose to become a Christan... I sometimes wonder why I did that when I had such a secure future...
I wanna cry out to God.... please give me the strength to pull through it... can I love you again like my first time??
Parents yesterday had a fierce argument. I don't know the reason why...
I only know that my mother yesterday was having a mood swing yesterday.
Instead of being sad last time, I choose to hold my tears back. I didn't want to be send back to IMH again....
Talked to Swee Kheng abaout it. nothing much to blog about..
Had a outing with Adrian, Ryan, Ming Zhi and Cheston yesterday. The outing felt so different this time round. I lost such a friend and now, I just feel that Ryan is not the same person I once knew... It just feels so awkward trying to salvage the friendship.
I want to integrate Adrian and Sze Hao but Because of him, I lost their trust altogether...
I have lost trust with him and with that, I have lost the group of friends that I have.... I want to tell them that I don't think I can do it but well, I believe that God is there for me. I won't stop believing
This are the times in life where I just wanna scream and shout out my anger..
Now, blogging with my laptop... My mother is packing her luggage and moving away this time. I really hope that she doesn't come back this time round... I really have no hope for my parents... It so messed up.
My brother is a atheist while my dad is a Buddhist pastor. Technically, I am supposed to be the successor of my dad but I chose to become a Christan... I sometimes wonder why I did that when I had such a secure future...
I wanna cry out to God.... please give me the strength to pull through it... can I love you again like my first time??
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