Angry post

Lashing out anger here at this post: Ignore if not interested.



1st person. Person MZ: I hate you!!! Everyone of you! Jerks!
I hate you for everything!! You think u big ar know the girls names only act like some ah beng?

I not interested yet you all day only talk about girls then of course I nothing to say ma!! You all only stalk then always get into BGR with them for the sake of filling up that insecurity! Come on la! Grow up can or not!? Sheesh!

Even the people there from pure and innocent to dirty and perverted because of you! Own self horny also no need to share the feeling ma!

You think is a trend that using vulgarity will make you popular?? U are sadly wrong!

Btw just for your information, I am someone who does not really need people like you to treat me like this. I am drawing the line here. We are just schoolmates. Nothing more. Don't try to act friendly.. You will just spoil my mood altogether... I allow people like you to jab me and enjoy laughter BUT don't you go overboard and speak death into me! I won't accept it. Stupid air pork!

Btw, I hate you touching me so hands off! And you are not muscular so don't act just because you can bench press weights that are more than mine while I can't. Wanna challenge endurance? I bet you won't last at all!


Next person. Person RS: What happen to our friendship man? Can't you remember what you shared with me?? Yet look at yourself.. Flirting and scolding vulgarities... Did you really meant what you said??
The friendship we have used to be unbreakable but now our friendship is questionable.. Disappointed in you...


Next person. Person LZ: You still dare call yourself a Christian despite the fact that you talk without any sense of thinking?? Always so perverted and talk about not so nice stuff to people. Then followed by acts that purposely irritate me! You do know that I have a bad day yet you chose to disturb me.. Later still complain why I so sensitive? Jerk! And yet still dare call yourself a Christian!?!?

25t May 2011

Had a really Tired week after so many waves of Chinese mock exams... Can't they just end it asap? :(

Oh well.. Terrible week... Not gonna blog much anymore...... Nothing to talk about today...

I find peace and joy in You alone.. I know I should be strong... Really ought to thank Rui Jian for sharing such a powerful verse but I am uncertain about it...

I am not making any sense huh? Hahahaha... Nevermind. :) This blog is never private anymore.... Shutting down blog from today onwards...

This will become another place where I will pour my poems rather than blogging about my life.. :)


Poem 1:
Within the ashes of fire, lies the birth of a new being.
Within the darkness, lies a glimmer of light.
Within the light, lies a seed of darkness.
However, within a human's heart lies all of the above.
With such potential that exceed even ourselves.
We have the ability to harness both light and darkness.
It's only a matter of time before both shall rage a war.
The decisive battle is not far from now.

-Edwin Ang

Poem 2:

People always seek for perfection which is impossible.
Yet seeking for perfection helps people to be more perfect.
However, perfection is impossible as nothing is perfect within our vision.
Even the greatest law created by humans are far from perfect.
Yet it is this drive for perfection that's empowers us to do remarkable achievements.
Perfection is imperfect
Imperfection is perfect
Is the word perfection merely a word used without any logical sense?

23th May 2011

Time: 5.46am

It takes people to remind me multiple times but if only takes Him just 1 word to make me wake up.

Have a great and fruitful weekend. Was blown away by service. :)
I am not useless.. :D thank You for constantly reminding me that..

Was severely discouraged on Friday and didn't know who to talk to until Samantha started to talk to me..

She is truly a strong woman of God. :) Thank God for blessing me with such a wonderful sister in Christ. :)

That aside, Chinese O levels is coming soon.. Gonna be taken down from ministry soon. :( sad.

Oh well, gonna blog soon..

PS: This blog has been filled with too much negative thoughts again... Contaminated by darkness.. If this continues, then I will have to shut down this blog again..



8.11pm

I just have this very strong feeling that I am totally disconnected from God's family... :( Miracles happening in their school but not mine.. :(

Feel like talking to people like them is just wasting my time and energy.. Oh my... Guess I am being very negative about myself again... Shucks....

Shutting down this blog soon...

19th May 2011

This blog has become more of a place where I can write my poems to express myself.. Oh well... (EDWINNNN!! Remember what you promised?! Keep it on!!)

Don't listen to people who put you down.. Instead, do the exact opposite. listen and think

I miss the time where my family used to be united

What happen to all of my friends? I don't want to go back to my past again.. No! Np lore reliving the past!! Move on! (:

When I die, will anyone think about me? Will I become just another piece of memory or will I just fade away into the darkness where I was first born?


Those answers will be answered soon. :)

9.26pm

Somewhat those answers were answered a long time ago. :)
Thank You! Now I remember.. Cherish what I have now... I have tasted both bitterness ad sweetness of my life. Thank You for constantly reminding me.. Sorry to keep straying away from You.
My best life is real and possible because of You.

Overall day: normal. :)
Overall mood: happy. :) My name is happy. :)

16th may 2011

Sad people. Taken during my work. Lol...

14th May 2011

Had a awesome time serving in Security. :)
Can't believe I messed up so badly this time though... :(

Hahaha! Oh well, hope I will do better next time. :) jia you!!

Blogging while on the way home. Such is the wonder of IPod touch. :D hahaha!

So impacted by today's service. :D awesome service with Hwa Chong Testimonials. I wanna be more like them. I believe in it. :)

Oh well, I am so bored.. Gonna compose another poem to describe me.

Poem 1:

People ask why I am different from the rest
It's because I am not the usuals
I belong to no one.
I refuse to believe in any ideology. :D
No politics or circumstances shall hold me.
However, I only believe in 1 though, which is You. :)
I am like a soldier without any borders
A person without any belonging
This is me. My life
This is my dream life. :D


Poem 2:
Like water, I can mix with any(most) crowd.( or at least that's what I believe.:P)
Although I can adapt to any group, my core values remain the same.
I may not mix well with all types of people but I know that I can mix with the people I want.
I rather satisfy people I want.
It's impossible to satisfy everyone. :)
So to all haters out there, Thank you for spending time to highlight my mistakes. :D
I still love you Guys though. :) awesome peeps! :)
Regardless if you hate me or not. :D

Overall day: tired and fatigue.. :'( over exerted this time... Cause so much hindrance to everyone. I wanna be a asset next time.

Overall mood: happy. :D Hahhaha!! So what emo during the afternoon's but strangely, gone. :P The power of God. XD haha!

12th may 2011

Had a great time with Adrian and the rest of the group. played around with drinks. :P hahah...

Saw Kimberlyn at clement mall today! she became more beautiful ever since we last met. :O (ever since primary 4)
still can't forget that first time meeting her. :P

Kimberlyn: HI EDWIN!
Me: *ignores her*
Kimberlyn: HI EDWINNNN!
Me: * still ignoring her*
Kimberlyn: EDWIN! I SAID HI RIGHT!?
Me: *Shocked expression* Oh, hi hi...
Kimberlyn: Hahaha! :D Don't so quiet!
Me: *Ignores*
Kimberlyn: EDWIN!! OI!!

haha! always like her cheerful voice. :P
lol!! I sound like a pervert. :X
now that I think about it, it was funny ttvm!! hahahha! XP

Not gonna be emotional. I had enough of this. :)

I need real friends. :)
they say that in secondary school, it is the best time to fins true friends..
right now I have 1 who I can really trust.
The very same person who led me to my salvation. :D haha!
Hope there won't be arguments or fights today... :) haha!

I am so addicted by paramore songs. Hmm...
oh well, This will become my personal journal and possibly my dairy.
(Shut up haters! I know what you guys are thinking!)

ciaos!
:D

11th May 2011

Starting from today onwards, not gonna follow all the rules. :P I rather be myself than to me someone I am not. :)


A poem to describe me:

I don't need a reason to be happy.
I may fall into sins at times in my life
I may have major conflicts with everyone.
I may even have times where people don't trust me and neither to I trust them.
But 1 thing is for sure. I am happy being myself.
This is my fight, this is my life
I wanna change but I don't wanna lose myself again.
I chose to believe in God because I want to.
I may have done it on impulse at first
Some even say I have done it because out of liking someone
but I am now a Son in Your house. :)

Haha... that is a poem to describe me.. :P I usually use poems to convey my feelings.. too bad nobody understand...

My mind is kinda twisted. So many thoughts that are so sophisticated.. :O
I rather have a simple mind..

Happiness or wisdom?

well, I want happiness but instead I am blessed with wisdom. oh well, can aim for happiness. haha.. writing so much useless information here...

Oh well, just feel happy for no reason today.. :) I am valuable in His eyes. I wanna glorify Him with everything I have.

Played basketball with the usual group of people again. almost had a heatstroke after that session. went home to sleep only to wake up with sign of heatstroke.

lucky I didn't have any problems. :) Tomorrow's is Chinese paper 2. sure gonna flunk that paper big time.. I wanna take CLB. :'( My parents CLB is useless.. Lol... oh well..

gonna go back to playing guitar soon. :) always blogging with my iPod. :P don't even have time to use computer. :( haizz..... hahaha.. :)

Time to rebuild relationship. :) Starting from my school friends then my leaders. :) (Jia you EDWINNNN!)







overall day: tiring. wish I can feel like this everyday. Won't have energy to think about anything.

overall mood: somewhat peaceful and happy even though there is war and etc. :D The peace of God I guess. hahhhaha!!!!

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

10th May 2011

So upset and somewhat angry at my parents. Another war broke out again but this time is with the younger brothers.. haizz..

Was hoping you guys would buy a pair of shoe for me because I have no money but even they don't want to buy 1 for me.... Kinda expected...

haha.. what a way to start my post. all so negative uh! hahaha...
I feel so left out and put down by people.... oh well, I am useless anyways. They don't have to talk to someone like me........

I don't even think anyone will be reading this few post anyway.. what am I to them? in fact, no one will be reading this entire blog anyway. Haizz... writing to myself..

Shouldn't had opened up... now feeling so empty... I really feel like talking to someone... Sa.., never mind. will only create more misunderstanding....Everyone has their own lives to take care of...
somehow, only she will understand me better.. Feeling so insecure....

I don't know what to do now... I hate my family honestly speaking... only loving them because is a rule... If I could then I would leave the house and never come back...

I don't dare to ask for a chat even I want to..always get rejected..




On the bright side, I had some time alone doing QT and I feel... somewhat happy and peaceful....
strumming guitar to block out all noises. :)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

9th May 2011

I finally understand now... I shouldn't be sad about my life at all. There are people in this world who are in a poorer situation than me. I must learn to pick up my pieces.

I wanna smile again like the first time. I wanna slide back and feel the first love. The same feeling I had during the first hour that I first believed.

No more tears for myself. Just smile and love people with my heart.

5.45am now. :p

Had a really awesome week going to church and having fun...... But I am quiet for a reason...... I am not emo or anything. Just that is my nature to be quiet.. I feel very unnatural to talk..

4.30pm

Had a really great time studying with my friends from JJC. :D finally learned the standard of O levels. :) imba! (Y)
haha!

after that went to eat them them. Can't believe I meet that senior from NPCC.. irritated. first time meet my friends don't bully them! sheesh...

Still seeing friction in people...
sigh... Friends that I know don't last.. :P migrating to another group again.

When there are more than 10 readers then I will remove the rules I set for myself. :P

I feel so restricted... obligation set by parents.. sheesh! I wonder who can help me buy my products? soon my parents are gonna cut everything away from me altogether. :'(

Financial help? nah.. I don't deserve it. :| better if other people with higher IQ and EQ. ( feeling rejected by parents)

Haha! random blogging again.. (EDWINN!!! Cheer up! Don't emo Ho!!! God loves you! <3 )

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

7th May 2011

Greatly impacted by today's service. :) Thank you Senior pastors for praying for me. :) I feel different after listening to your sermons.

I will have the hunger to know more of You each day. As I live each day, I will learn to be more like you. A unlawful hunger. I won't be held back by circumstances. :D

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

6th May 2011 (continued)

Had a really awesome time hanging out with one of my friends from JJC. Although is just a study outing, had really appreciated his effort to spend time with me to just teach me. :) Gonna be the best! :D

From my previous post, I just wanna add on something. The reason I did so well is because I had His grace and wisdom by my side all the time. :) I always wondered how people do so well and yet be so active... now I know. ;) AE rocks! :D

haha that's the positive side of my life now. As for the negative side, the list just keeps on adding for some reason.


(Ignore the next few paragraph if you don't wanna hear me nag)



Now that I am useless and not of any value to you guys anymore, what will you do to me? I guess there is no such thing as respect in life huh? sheesh!

I don't know if it is just me or is everyone else starting to hate me? I lost all the motivation and courage to talk to people anymore... Talking to news friends never fell so painful ever since you spoke those words to me...
(EDWINNNN!! don't think so much! You are changed! Be happy! smile! :D)

maybe is just me thinking too much. :) I am awesome! I can't cheer people up but I can always be there for people. regardless of academic or emotional, I will help people to my fullest! :)

I wanna fill this blog with positive thoughts. Leaving behind happy and joyful memories instead of shedding tears over the past.

This is my present. I may not have a childhood at all but I wanna to leave a positive impact for everyone. :D

This is my resolve! This is my drive! I won't stop till my last breathe. :)

LOL! getting so agitated again. Gotta pull myself together and start to believe. :D

Overall day: Awesome day! studying with a friend greatly boost my moral. But tio crushed by reality. oh well, Can't be positive all the time. :)

Overall mood: kinda moody till the point I can sleep. :O oh my! sound so gay now!! haha! but still very happy.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

6th May 2011

it's 4am now and I am blogging. :)
Sometimes people ask me questions like:
"Hey Edwin! why you study so hard?"
"hey Edwin! How you do so well for N levels?"
etc etc...

well, if the truth were to be said, Because I wanted to prove the world that i am not stupid and with God, all things are possible...
positive side settled. Negative side is because I had enough of people calling me stupid....

The feeling of being rejected even though they are my parents just cuts me deep.. ever since that day, we never had a heart to heart conversation. -_-" Only about work and politics...

I know I sound so bad by saying this but well, that's the truth. :) haha! no point lying to myself anymore. that's the reason why I don't want them to come for my achievers day. faking it isn't gonna help.

I want to have more people reading this blog.. I wanna slowly open up to people. So far only 1 reader..

I was once full of hope as I was totally naive but after knowing so much.. i can't smile for real anymore.... sheesh! I hate this feeling.

I have bottled up emotions again... This is bad. I now want to seek attention.. I don't want to be a attention seeker.. :( But the feeling to talk to someone...

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

5th may 2011

I can't break away from my dangerous habits. :( I told myself not to get involved but I always slide back...

I don't want it in my life anymore! I reject such a habit! >:| I am gonna break down the wall that holds me! Not doing this alone but with Him. :D

gonna start mugging for my remaining exams. The sleeping dragon has finally awoke! :O Hope that isn't too late. :)

Scold me and hate me for who I am as I know I don't deserve love in this world... I don't deserve the fact that I am born accidentally... sheesh! I know my parents wanted a daughter.... So sexist but who cares.

But I do know that God loves me for who I am. :) This is my walk and my life. I decide who I want in my life! :D

I know that I am weak when I fight because of a cause or a reason but it's better than fighting without a cause and a reason. that's blind obedience.

i wanna use my abilities for the good of the people. Not to work for evil causes. :D

overall day: Having high fever now.... but overall great day. :)
overall mood: down but will change. :)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

4th May 2011

I can't sleep today. :( woke up at 4 am to study and somehow I had this feeling that I should spend 30 min doing QT.

Sure enough I followed it and it led me to being ministered by Him. Such a overwhelming Presence filled the room. :| It shared something very important...

It reminded of the Gospel where all the disciples of Jesus left Him and He was at the mercy of everyone... That got me thinking... what is going on?

what is He trying to tell me??

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

3rd May 2011

Everyone has exiled me from their group... ever since problems started to arise, Friends which I once had were gone....

I only wanted to join a group of people whom I can truly call my friends.. Now all that is gone... persecution and hate only exist... I want real friends, people who can truly understand me...

Even the people I place the trust most has finally stabbed me... My strength and hope has finally been crushed.... Is this another test set by You?

The sense of emptiness.... Just get out!!! I place so much effort and hope and all you did was to judge me with your naked eyes and what people think of me?

I know I should not hold grudges but I can't take it anymore!!!!

1 by 1, I lost friends and people whom I can trust... Friends whom I can trust fall apart....

That's the reason I live in solitude... I am always that naive to open up only to get stabbed by people...

So much for trying...

why does this thoughts always fill my mind? That answer is simple, I was taught to think like that. life ain't easy!

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

3rd May 2011 (fragment)

I feel so empty myself..... that sense of insecurity... I need to talk to someone... someone whom I can pour out my feelings and tell him/her my feelings now.... That painful sense... i need someone whom I can talk to yet does not break any rules.. No gossiping and more mature.. :(

HELP!! :'(

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

Note to self:

Exams are up! Let's go full swing!! giving my all to everything. I just learn to do my best and let Him do the rest. :)

No more blogging until the end of the exams. Gotta focus 10x harder.

EDWINNN!!! go for it!!

English: A1
math: B3
Combined Science: A1
Chinese: C6
Combined Humanities: A1
F&N: A1
total L1R5: 13 ( my dream score)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

2nd May 2011 (fragment)

my past could be represented as carrying a heavy broad sword. carrying it protects me but it will hinder me in my movements.
I should learn to drop my past and let go in order to move forward.
It may be difficult as it will leave me defenseless but with His Grace and mercy, I am protected.

Didn't know I would have such a revelation. :O
struck by people whom I believe isn't unnatural.
I wanna be like a bird that has freedom and not be stuck in a cage. I am not insecure! :) I know people love me despite who I am. haha! I am truly happy now. :D

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

2nd May 2011

I have a really strong feeling that I need to tell my leaders about this blog rather than keeping it to myself. I trust him more than I trust myself. :P LOL! (contracting sentence! EDWIN! you not not making sense!)

it's 8am now and everyone is asleep. Wish the house would be this quiet everyday. Small things also need to argue.. sheesh! :P Oh well. Cherish what I have ba..

one thing that I don't have now is money. :'( I running out of cash le. :( Have to start working again. Online blog shop anyone? Studying on that now.

I realized that I had that dream for so long but it never ends. :O what happens after I fall into the ocean?? That feeling.. so real and so powerful. What happened before I also not sure. :P

Self encouragement: Edwin! Remember how far you have come up to now because of Him. Don't let everyone's effort go to waste!!

I can still remember what she said to me during my primary school day.. that conversation that changed my life...

Me: Why must God do this to me?! If he really exist then why torture me and not the people who harmed me!?

Her: Maybe God wants to pour out blessing into your life but he wants to see if you are capable or not. He is giving you a test.

Me: It painful to live each day with the thought of suicide..

Her: Edwin! *Taps on my shoulder and looked at me in the eyes* Everyone has potential, God has given everyone a ability. If you die, wouldn't it be a waste to lose your ability? You may not know your ability until you try. Don't worry what happens, God always love you.

I can't believe I broke down after that conversation.. but that conversation kept me up and given me hope till today. I know it sounds like a fairytale and even up till today, I still think it's a miracle. :O but I believe it's real. Fairytale endings do exist. Just need to look hard enough to see that.
I wanna love everyone like how she loved me and given me encouragement. Thank You for showing me my abilities. :')

Oh my.. so emotional again.. haha.. oh well, blog later.

Mobile Blogging from here.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

1st May 2011

really learned a powerful life lesson.. I should learn to forgive and learn to give in to submission but still do what is rite....
I still hate that person who talked to me point blank about my problem but I won't be bad... she is after all, a leader.
overall day: awesome day to serve in the house of the Lord
overall mood : happy. :)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]