4th May 2011

I can't sleep today. :( woke up at 4 am to study and somehow I had this feeling that I should spend 30 min doing QT.

Sure enough I followed it and it led me to being ministered by Him. Such a overwhelming Presence filled the room. :| It shared something very important...

It reminded of the Gospel where all the disciples of Jesus left Him and He was at the mercy of everyone... That got me thinking... what is going on?

what is He trying to tell me??

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

3rd May 2011

Everyone has exiled me from their group... ever since problems started to arise, Friends which I once had were gone....

I only wanted to join a group of people whom I can truly call my friends.. Now all that is gone... persecution and hate only exist... I want real friends, people who can truly understand me...

Even the people I place the trust most has finally stabbed me... My strength and hope has finally been crushed.... Is this another test set by You?

The sense of emptiness.... Just get out!!! I place so much effort and hope and all you did was to judge me with your naked eyes and what people think of me?

I know I should not hold grudges but I can't take it anymore!!!!

1 by 1, I lost friends and people whom I can trust... Friends whom I can trust fall apart....

That's the reason I live in solitude... I am always that naive to open up only to get stabbed by people...

So much for trying...

why does this thoughts always fill my mind? That answer is simple, I was taught to think like that. life ain't easy!

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

3rd May 2011 (fragment)

I feel so empty myself..... that sense of insecurity... I need to talk to someone... someone whom I can pour out my feelings and tell him/her my feelings now.... That painful sense... i need someone whom I can talk to yet does not break any rules.. No gossiping and more mature.. :(

HELP!! :'(

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

Note to self:

Exams are up! Let's go full swing!! giving my all to everything. I just learn to do my best and let Him do the rest. :)

No more blogging until the end of the exams. Gotta focus 10x harder.

EDWINNN!!! go for it!!

English: A1
math: B3
Combined Science: A1
Chinese: C6
Combined Humanities: A1
F&N: A1
total L1R5: 13 ( my dream score)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

2nd May 2011 (fragment)

my past could be represented as carrying a heavy broad sword. carrying it protects me but it will hinder me in my movements.
I should learn to drop my past and let go in order to move forward.
It may be difficult as it will leave me defenseless but with His Grace and mercy, I am protected.

Didn't know I would have such a revelation. :O
struck by people whom I believe isn't unnatural.
I wanna be like a bird that has freedom and not be stuck in a cage. I am not insecure! :) I know people love me despite who I am. haha! I am truly happy now. :D

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

2nd May 2011

I have a really strong feeling that I need to tell my leaders about this blog rather than keeping it to myself. I trust him more than I trust myself. :P LOL! (contracting sentence! EDWIN! you not not making sense!)

it's 8am now and everyone is asleep. Wish the house would be this quiet everyday. Small things also need to argue.. sheesh! :P Oh well. Cherish what I have ba..

one thing that I don't have now is money. :'( I running out of cash le. :( Have to start working again. Online blog shop anyone? Studying on that now.

I realized that I had that dream for so long but it never ends. :O what happens after I fall into the ocean?? That feeling.. so real and so powerful. What happened before I also not sure. :P

Self encouragement: Edwin! Remember how far you have come up to now because of Him. Don't let everyone's effort go to waste!!

I can still remember what she said to me during my primary school day.. that conversation that changed my life...

Me: Why must God do this to me?! If he really exist then why torture me and not the people who harmed me!?

Her: Maybe God wants to pour out blessing into your life but he wants to see if you are capable or not. He is giving you a test.

Me: It painful to live each day with the thought of suicide..

Her: Edwin! *Taps on my shoulder and looked at me in the eyes* Everyone has potential, God has given everyone a ability. If you die, wouldn't it be a waste to lose your ability? You may not know your ability until you try. Don't worry what happens, God always love you.

I can't believe I broke down after that conversation.. but that conversation kept me up and given me hope till today. I know it sounds like a fairytale and even up till today, I still think it's a miracle. :O but I believe it's real. Fairytale endings do exist. Just need to look hard enough to see that.
I wanna love everyone like how she loved me and given me encouragement. Thank You for showing me my abilities. :')

Oh my.. so emotional again.. haha.. oh well, blog later.

Mobile Blogging from here.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

1st May 2011

really learned a powerful life lesson.. I should learn to forgive and learn to give in to submission but still do what is rite....
I still hate that person who talked to me point blank about my problem but I won't be bad... she is after all, a leader.
overall day: awesome day to serve in the house of the Lord
overall mood : happy. :)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]