22nd July 2011

Blogging on my way home from church.. :)
Personal blog here, can pour out my real feelings here. Only a few have access to this blog. ( technically 2)
You both would know who I am referring to.

Time to share something about my life again. Hmm... Where should I start?? Oh well, let's start from today.

After our physics focus, had a really funny yet kinda personal conversation with both Arif and Fauzi.
They asked me if I was interested I Brenda!?! Hahahaha! Why would I be interested in her?? Haha! Well, I am interested to know more about her but never interested in getting to BGR with her. :P

Although I find her character nice. :P
I have some personal condition when I find a soul mate.

My checklist
Must have a good character. Doesn't really matter if ugly or nice
****Must be a Christian. This is important so as to have the same thinking as me.

Other than that, I am okay with other things. :)

Had school till 2.30pm then followed by rushing back home before going to church. :)
CG today was simple yet awesome! Learn how to hare John 3:16 all over again.. LOL!! haha.

I really wanna be like my CGL. I will start by following my Leader directly under me. :)

Always wanna be awesome like my leader. :)

Going back home to complete my study rule. :) 15 hours completed. Just 5 more!!!!

Oh well, nothing much to blog about. Cya soon readers. :)

6th May 2011

it's 4am now and I am blogging. :)
Sometimes people ask me questions like:
"Hey Edwin! why you study so hard?"
"hey Edwin! How you do so well for N levels?"
etc etc...

well, if the truth were to be said, Because I wanted to prove the world that i am not stupid and with God, all things are possible...
positive side settled. Negative side is because I had enough of people calling me stupid....

The feeling of being rejected even though they are my parents just cuts me deep.. ever since that day, we never had a heart to heart conversation. -_-" Only about work and politics...

I know I sound so bad by saying this but well, that's the truth. :) haha! no point lying to myself anymore. that's the reason why I don't want them to come for my achievers day. faking it isn't gonna help.

I want to have more people reading this blog.. I wanna slowly open up to people. So far only 1 reader..

I was once full of hope as I was totally naive but after knowing so much.. i can't smile for real anymore.... sheesh! I hate this feeling.

I have bottled up emotions again... This is bad. I now want to seek attention.. I don't want to be a attention seeker.. :( But the feeling to talk to someone...

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4th May 2011

I can't sleep today. :( woke up at 4 am to study and somehow I had this feeling that I should spend 30 min doing QT.

Sure enough I followed it and it led me to being ministered by Him. Such a overwhelming Presence filled the room. :| It shared something very important...

It reminded of the Gospel where all the disciples of Jesus left Him and He was at the mercy of everyone... That got me thinking... what is going on?

what is He trying to tell me??

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Note to self:

Exams are up! Let's go full swing!! giving my all to everything. I just learn to do my best and let Him do the rest. :)

No more blogging until the end of the exams. Gotta focus 10x harder.

EDWINNN!!! go for it!!

English: A1
math: B3
Combined Science: A1
Chinese: C6
Combined Humanities: A1
F&N: A1
total L1R5: 13 ( my dream score)

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28th April 2011

Why is it that my eyes are seeing what I am seeing... So much friction..
feeling totally down that everyone start going against me... I totally lost hope....

I am lucky I didn't open up people like you.. you guys only cared not because of genuine care but because it is a obligation to care.... Never once have you guys considered that huh?

i always thought I am something special. It never cross my mind that I was useless in people's eyes... put down by people like you.. not going to join you all anymore...

my heart hurts but I refuse to be weak... I won't shed tears.. only blood. My life is never happy...

Maybe on my birthday, I will just break
all the rules and just say out the true facts.. until then, too bad. ;)

overall day: Great until friction started to show......
overall mood: depressed/irritated/emotional/unhappy/angry/

I wanna shout out my anger or at the very least, cry to someone but I don't know who...... confirm won't be my parents. Confirm won't be my family... so messed up..

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26th April 2011

had F&N practical today and for the first time, I didn't mess up the presentation! yes! You are good! so blessed to have You answering to my call. :D

sadly though, didn't really do well for my cooking... my food test terrible and wasn't even cooked properly.. sad. :(

Oh well, can't really hope for the best.. I am just happy that I managed to get past today! :D Chinese oral!! oh my!! haha!

oh well, gonna sleep now... gotta start waking up at 3 to study! :)

overall day: long and tiring! keep feeling so tired all the time. :<

overall mood: emotional and very downed... gotta start pulling myself up

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20th April 2011 (fragment)

I feeling very scared now.. that dream and that feeling never goes away... hope today is a great day... I shall do my best and let God finish doing the rest. :|

having barely any faith but I believe.. pls answer my prayer.

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17th April 2011

I really ought to start believing in His words.. no more letting my emotions lose control of myself..
I wanna serve without any heartache or without any worrying thoughts that hinder my judgement. I lift up my life into Your hands.

getting emotional yet again.. :P
gonna start writing cards for Easter people. :) Jia You Edwin! :D

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

16th April 2011 (beginning)

A start of a new day!! :) CG food is prepared and I have finished praying. :)

being totally radical at 4am in the morning by waking up and praying. I really although it didn't last very long either..... hmm... really ought to start building up my spiritual walk. don't rely on facts alone. have faith and all things are possible. :)

really hope that today will be a great day! svc plus outing plus CG plus prayer meeting with school mates. :D

I wonder when will this positive thinking stop uh.. I am afraid that I will drop again.. :(

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

15th April 2011 (fragment)

I hope today will be better. no more flowing with anyone... I just wanna do things my way. :)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

14th April 2011

Went to hang out with 2 of my best CG mates. Although it was nothing special, I feel that I was included in a family. I really felt that I was part of God's family.

I just feel totally angry and annoyed that my church school mates don't even include me in the discussion on Easter day... I know I should not have fallen asleep and I apologize for that but that doesn't mean that you have to treat me like an outsider..

I had enough of people like you! Just don't talk to me altogether! you just keep making me more annoyed and disappointed of you. -_-" oh man.. couldn't believe I am thinking like this... really sorry.. :(

so angry today especially those 2 idiots who keep challenging my educational knowledge. You think you big ar!? n level get so high still dare to talk so much cock! I trying to teach you yet you complain saying my knowledge is wrong?!

So what if u can identify 1 or 2 of my mistakes in my answers? It just means that I am not careful. Stop thinking that you are some genius! here I am teaching you how to do yet you refuse to listen and complain saying my answer is wrong! if it I'd wrong then do it yourself la! noob!
act so spiritual and yet keep saying different things.. don't lie to yourself la!

Totally so angry with the both of them.... really ought to control my temper.... Don't you all dare to step on me! I don't usually blow up but don't go try me. you will be sorry if you do.


Well, other than that, I feel that I should take actions into my own hands. No more hiding myself anymore. I wanna start reaching out on my own and I won't hold back.

overall day: terrible and long.. wish tomorrow is better

overall mood: angry and annoyed. so many people pushing the wrong buttons in me. gotta control it.. :|

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

11th April 2011 ( fragment)

I wanna fill this blog with positive thoughts instead of negative ones.. gonna make a commitment to do that from now onwards. :)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

5th April 2011

I wanna shout FML! but I don't know why I wanna shout it... I wanna shout out loud that I hate myself but I don't know why.. LOL! being totally random and emotional here... really ought to stop doing all this useless work. have to start on my study soon.

so sad no time to do quiet time. :'(
overall day: long and tiring. plus full of surprises all the time

overall mood: mixed feeling.... angry, happy, sad then emotional... oh my.. mood swing!! :(

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

28 Oct 2010

Beginning the process of venting out anger here.
Please ignore this post.
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Screw you! Don't ignore me! I never said that I am always free! Don't think you are the only person stress!
I am experiencing extreme pressure from so many people! don't add it on me please!
I wanna shout and punch but I don't want to destroy anything!
I don't want to destroy my image but I wanna make myself known!
Totally hate my life TTM now!
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End of venting out anger. Still kinda upset..........
Followed the rule of my blog.
Oh well, better luck next time. >.<

14th Oct 2010

read finish all my previous post. I just realize that I am unstable in my thinking.
Maybe it is really true that I am just another failed experiment. =P
Oh well, who cares. =D
Haha!
Live life to the fullest!
I know I can't change the past but I know I can change the future. =D

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

23rd August 2010

Note: The following post will be disturbing and maybe very insulting especially to the person I am referring to. I would strongly suggest that you would read this post at your own risk.If you get offended, I can't do anything about this. You have been warned!




I Totally hate the feeling of being ignored. As usual, I notice that she does not acknowledge me anymore as if she has lost all respect for me.
I just want to say that I used to like you but now, I just want to be friends. I don't wish to create enemies in secondary school. I don't want a relationship until 21!
I now what I say now may sound very hurtful and possibly insulting but I really don't understand you anymore.
You literally shut me off. I don't mind the fact that you hate me but I mind about the fact that you refuse to share your problems or thoughts. And yet you expect me to tell you everything..... Kinda pathetic if I have to comment.
Frankly speaking, I don't know what to do now.
The last time she ignored me, I feel devastated by her actions. but now, I feel kinda happy that you ignored me. =D I felt devastated last time because I was partly at fault and I didn't know about it. I felt almost as if I had committed a crime or sin.
But now, I feel kinda happy as I believe I am not at fault. I don't feel guilty at all. I apologized to you and if you don't accept it, fine with me. =D
I know why you are angry, partly because I said that it was shocking that your parent highest education is a pre-U. It was meant to be a compliment not an insult! apology if I said something wrong but I am not perfect. =|
I used to be short tempered and I would flare up for such small lewd remarks but I am changing now. I am now able to control my temper most of the time.
I pray that you would also change.
It is only 16 more days till N level. I won't waste my time to fix something that is not worth doing at all.
I know I sound very bad right now but I am not perfect! nobody is! Don't expect a change that easy cause I used to be a rebel and now you want me to become a cultured person. It is not as easy as prescribing a medicine to a sick person!
It is more complicated than that!
Anyways, All I can do now is pray that you would forgive me and move on with life instead of wasting your time and energy on this pathetic argument.
If you don't want to be friends anymore, then suit yourself. I have nothing to lose and nothing to gain from this experience. All I will lose will be a friend.
My feelings: Totally upset but I won't show it to anyone.
My day: Great day! =D

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