8 September 2011

Blogging while on the way home. Went to ECP to cycle with my CG. Totally awesome. :)
Meet some great friends and some 'special' friends.. =O
Lol... I think I am being bad by saying that.. :P haha.
Anyway, had a really great time with them. Cycled with them to Changi (only made it half cause of time constrains. :P ) and had dinner with them.

I just found out recently that Cheryl Chan is leading F1. =O surprised ttvm.. Haha! lol!

Now on the way rushing to NUH to meet with my uncle ( my mother's brother). Kinda shocked that he had a heart attack again. Oh my.. Praying for him. Hope that everything will be alright..


Something about myself, I had this terrible thought that I wanna cut myself yesterday. :( I can't believe I still have that thought... The last time I had this was when I was in primary school.... :(

I am feeling quite desperate now..... What did I do wrong this time round??? Everything seems so perfect from secondary 1... Now it all collapse completely.... Lost my only best friend and relentless attacks from people. I really feel cornered by circumstances... I know small people complain.. I better not complain....



I just wish that I would pull through this valley... I am feeling hurt... I keep disobeying His commandments. Why??? My brother's situation is getting from bad to worse... Is it because me?? Darn...


Life sucks as of now.. Sigh... Nobody understands me.... Not even myself... I think I just wanna ask Sam for her opinion...


Anyways, Swee Kheng introduce me to a song which I like so much. Song that saved my life by Simple Plan. Such a meaningful song. Gonna practice this song on the guitar during my free time. In the mean time, I just wanna practice Heart Of Worship and Freedom We Know or Happy Day. (can't decide which song to practice!!!) :)

15th August 2011

Service last Saturday with Pastor Sy Rogers is impacting and powerful.. I can't believe that I learn so much just by listening to him preach.

Oh well, Let's not get too spiritual talking about church.. I wanna share something that is really burning me right now. I hope I don't get too emo or sad again...

Well, 1 of the reason why I am feeling so sad now is not because I lost my friends in school, but because of the fact I had to face bullies in schools. It's quite ironic huh? I am so big sized and strong yet to be bullied by people.. Haha.. Ironic it is.. Well, I would want to write out their names here but not gonna spell it out. Just their initials.

(TBC and GYT)


(TBC)
I had enough of them trying to bully me... I don't like it when he try to punch me and be a total jerk to me for no apparent reason....
Always inflicting wounds on me ( both physical and emotional) just because I care... What's wrong with being a top student?

I can still remember national day which is recently. I am just trying to have fun only and I didn't notice that I was blocking your way. Instead of saying excuse me like you would to other people, you land a blow on my back which was still injured and ask me to "F**** off!"

When you actually did that, I was smiling but deep within my heart, I was getting ready to fight back. I clench my fist so tightly and charged up my strength waiting for a striking range.. I waited for the correct timing trying to hit your vital points but strangely, I couldn't perform it...
I let lose my fist knowing that I shouldn't do it...
I know that I won't let my other self take over me... I just felt that I shouldn't do it.. I know that I shouldn't blame you for treating me like this..

(GYT)

I don't have any idea how I offended you, I am just talking to people when all of a sudden you just ask me to "shut the F**** up" foe no reason. I am sharing my life with someone and all you say is that...

I also noticed a long time ago that you had been avoiding me.

Look here, I sincerely apologize if there is any problems with me. I know I am not perfect but I don't think I need such a treatment..


I know that I am arrogant but I am trying to change.. How long do you have to do this to me?
I don't know what to do know... Who can I really approach? I don't really know.. Sad. :(

Am I really that hated by people this much? am I really that obnoxious?

3rd August 2011

This ain't what I wanted in life... This ain't what I expected... Death of a dream?? I hope so... Not in the mood to even blog about it...
Haiz...

Can't cry but can't smile..

My greatest needs are family and Friends support... I don't even have that.. How pathetic...

Getting very emotional... Maybe I should just blog about it and forget about talking...

Been so hurt... Let's just rewind those few moments where I have..

Ever since the break up of LL and RS, things didn't went well in my life... The fact that RS doesn't trust me and the fact that he made a complete change for the worse...

In my mind, I was told not to get myself into trouble... But in my heart, it told me to give compassion and help... Why did I do it??? I have no idea...

Ever since then... I broke off with that clique of peeps. ( Well, just RS and not the rest)

I tried to pull other friends from their side over but I failed... :(

My family at home would always quarrel and argue... I would always make mistakes in pastoral work and I would always end up with nothing while my friends would just rise up...


Hanging out with Christian friend like LZ didn't help much... Why would anyone laugh at pain and sadness?? Why would you call yourself a Christian???

Persecution are so painful especially if it comes from your very own brother and family... How much more do you want from me???


I tried to wake up early to study hard.. I know I am running out of time now... I hate myself... Help pls... I wanna just let someone know my pain.. I burned myself this time...

Can anyone understand my pain??? Only God does but who else???

My life is so perfect... Still.... I wanna give my best..

I am feeling crushed.... I don't dare to share my pain to my leaders for fear of being discipled by them and remove from pastoral altogether....

I wanna commit myself to church....



They once told me this...

Emotions are just hormones and information that are fired into the brain when the body reacts to circumstances around himself both physically and mentally. It is possible if given the correct condition, the mind can cease to ignore emotion.. By then, a strong logical with high IQ and EQ would conquer anything and anyone..

One of the most effective catalyst would be solitude living condition.

Well, it used to be true for me but as time went by... I can't stop ignoring my emotions... My emotions are hindering my judgement...


I cannot cry infront of anyone... Not ever...

I wish I have someone remembering me when I die....

27th July 2011

So many tags for this post. Reason is to reflect how so many thoughts could actually reflect me..

Oh well, I am happy. :)
Nothing much to blog about, will re edit this post if I have time. Haha! :)

24th July 2011

Sometimes i would ask myself this questions:

Why did I become a Christian??
Why have I benefitted by becoming a Christian??
Why did I chose christianity over other religion??
Why has Christianity got to do with my purpose???


Well, a little background information about myself first.

My dad is a cultivator(that how he coins the terms bur I still think he is a Buddhist) who is able to preach. A pastor. I have been following him since young....

I always thought that I would be his next successor. The fact that I would take over him..

However, as time flows and years pass, I became to discover that I am different from the rest....
I keep having this dream that I was a young child and that I was walking with someone older.. Then all of a sudden, a snake pulled me down to the earth by biting my leg. Specifically my left ankle.
Then I would be pulled down and that how I ended up in this house.
Oh well.. Randomness!!

I became a Christian because I felt His love but by doing so, I have open myself up to heavy persecution and war. Sometimes.... I would ask myself if it was really worth it???
I don't like my school mates who just mock me and my church people from my school who would continue to say hurting words into me.... Arrghh!!! Life is so unfair!!

Friends and family are gone.. What next??? I will keep hanging to you and walk in faith but I don't know how much more I can take before I fall and fade completely...
Being very emo now. :(
I really hate my parents, time after time they cheat my feelings and crush my hopes..
N level result and my parents never even congratulate me.... I am okay that you didn't help me. Yet still insist on coming to ceremony so as to brag about "your" achievement. One word: HYPOCRITE!!

My birthday and you still couldn't give me peace? I seriously hate you both.. Yet I am always forced to help you all the time!

I wanna cry out and break free...... I have no friends now because I have happen to lost my close friends... Feel so alone... So bitter..

Well, my sadness has leaked out and shown it's tail.. People are starting to see that I have become more emo.....

I would pray that someone would just encourage me now.......
I don't have the energy to run this race anymore.
Just one person to speak life into me...
Tell me the purpose of living...
Haizz... Sigh....

16th June 2011

7.16pm
This has been a terrible roller coaster ride... A ride where things started to change...
I know now that friends aren't real in life...
The world is a place where solitude exist.
However, I know that I have a friend who I can rely on when my life crashes...
Thank You for letting me meet such a person in life. :)

Had a really terrible nightmare.... What's the point of even describing it? Is always my past flash backs. :) Haha!

Had a really awesome camp! Crossroad camp has really impacted me.. I wanted to thank Roy for praying for me. (:

Going out to have dinner with my parents soon. Will blog again later. :D

Peace! (Y)

10.02pm

My house has become a war zone where cold war can take place. :O
Shocking to see that both parties are arguing. :(
Oh well, maybe I will blog early in the morning.
I just realized that I made a terrible mistake in pastoral work today. Gotta be more careful next time.

3rd June 2011

I feel as though I keep having insecurity in my life... Eh? What the... I should not even be saying this.. The old me died on the Cross with Christ and know I am born again.. :)

Yesterday had QT... Impacted by His knowledge. :)
Questions to ask before speaking and and doing...
Lastly, think positive. :)

Conducted tuition with my batch of students. :D So glad that Sze Hao finally learned Venn diagram. :D yes! *Self-pat of shoulder*

Let's use this tuition to talk to people and reach out. Hahaha!
For too long I have always look at things from a negative view... Now I will be positive as much as possible. :)

Not gonna blog much anymore. It's 5.30am in the morning. :D possibly Vlog(video blogging) in the afternoon. :)

25t May 2011

Had a really Tired week after so many waves of Chinese mock exams... Can't they just end it asap? :(

Oh well.. Terrible week... Not gonna blog much anymore...... Nothing to talk about today...

I find peace and joy in You alone.. I know I should be strong... Really ought to thank Rui Jian for sharing such a powerful verse but I am uncertain about it...

I am not making any sense huh? Hahahaha... Nevermind. :) This blog is never private anymore.... Shutting down blog from today onwards...

This will become another place where I will pour my poems rather than blogging about my life.. :)


Poem 1:
Within the ashes of fire, lies the birth of a new being.
Within the darkness, lies a glimmer of light.
Within the light, lies a seed of darkness.
However, within a human's heart lies all of the above.
With such potential that exceed even ourselves.
We have the ability to harness both light and darkness.
It's only a matter of time before both shall rage a war.
The decisive battle is not far from now.

-Edwin Ang

Poem 2:

People always seek for perfection which is impossible.
Yet seeking for perfection helps people to be more perfect.
However, perfection is impossible as nothing is perfect within our vision.
Even the greatest law created by humans are far from perfect.
Yet it is this drive for perfection that's empowers us to do remarkable achievements.
Perfection is imperfect
Imperfection is perfect
Is the word perfection merely a word used without any logical sense?

19th May 2011

This blog has become more of a place where I can write my poems to express myself.. Oh well... (EDWINNNN!! Remember what you promised?! Keep it on!!)

Don't listen to people who put you down.. Instead, do the exact opposite. listen and think

I miss the time where my family used to be united

What happen to all of my friends? I don't want to go back to my past again.. No! Np lore reliving the past!! Move on! (:

When I die, will anyone think about me? Will I become just another piece of memory or will I just fade away into the darkness where I was first born?


Those answers will be answered soon. :)

9.26pm

Somewhat those answers were answered a long time ago. :)
Thank You! Now I remember.. Cherish what I have now... I have tasted both bitterness ad sweetness of my life. Thank You for constantly reminding me.. Sorry to keep straying away from You.
My best life is real and possible because of You.

Overall day: normal. :)
Overall mood: happy. :) My name is happy. :)

6th May 2011

it's 4am now and I am blogging. :)
Sometimes people ask me questions like:
"Hey Edwin! why you study so hard?"
"hey Edwin! How you do so well for N levels?"
etc etc...

well, if the truth were to be said, Because I wanted to prove the world that i am not stupid and with God, all things are possible...
positive side settled. Negative side is because I had enough of people calling me stupid....

The feeling of being rejected even though they are my parents just cuts me deep.. ever since that day, we never had a heart to heart conversation. -_-" Only about work and politics...

I know I sound so bad by saying this but well, that's the truth. :) haha! no point lying to myself anymore. that's the reason why I don't want them to come for my achievers day. faking it isn't gonna help.

I want to have more people reading this blog.. I wanna slowly open up to people. So far only 1 reader..

I was once full of hope as I was totally naive but after knowing so much.. i can't smile for real anymore.... sheesh! I hate this feeling.

I have bottled up emotions again... This is bad. I now want to seek attention.. I don't want to be a attention seeker.. :( But the feeling to talk to someone...

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

5th may 2011

I can't break away from my dangerous habits. :( I told myself not to get involved but I always slide back...

I don't want it in my life anymore! I reject such a habit! >:| I am gonna break down the wall that holds me! Not doing this alone but with Him. :D

gonna start mugging for my remaining exams. The sleeping dragon has finally awoke! :O Hope that isn't too late. :)

Scold me and hate me for who I am as I know I don't deserve love in this world... I don't deserve the fact that I am born accidentally... sheesh! I know my parents wanted a daughter.... So sexist but who cares.

But I do know that God loves me for who I am. :) This is my walk and my life. I decide who I want in my life! :D

I know that I am weak when I fight because of a cause or a reason but it's better than fighting without a cause and a reason. that's blind obedience.

i wanna use my abilities for the good of the people. Not to work for evil causes. :D

overall day: Having high fever now.... but overall great day. :)
overall mood: down but will change. :)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

4th May 2011

I can't sleep today. :( woke up at 4 am to study and somehow I had this feeling that I should spend 30 min doing QT.

Sure enough I followed it and it led me to being ministered by Him. Such a overwhelming Presence filled the room. :| It shared something very important...

It reminded of the Gospel where all the disciples of Jesus left Him and He was at the mercy of everyone... That got me thinking... what is going on?

what is He trying to tell me??

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]