8 September 2011

Blogging while on the way home. Went to ECP to cycle with my CG. Totally awesome. :)
Meet some great friends and some 'special' friends.. =O
Lol... I think I am being bad by saying that.. :P haha.
Anyway, had a really great time with them. Cycled with them to Changi (only made it half cause of time constrains. :P ) and had dinner with them.

I just found out recently that Cheryl Chan is leading F1. =O surprised ttvm.. Haha! lol!

Now on the way rushing to NUH to meet with my uncle ( my mother's brother). Kinda shocked that he had a heart attack again. Oh my.. Praying for him. Hope that everything will be alright..


Something about myself, I had this terrible thought that I wanna cut myself yesterday. :( I can't believe I still have that thought... The last time I had this was when I was in primary school.... :(

I am feeling quite desperate now..... What did I do wrong this time round??? Everything seems so perfect from secondary 1... Now it all collapse completely.... Lost my only best friend and relentless attacks from people. I really feel cornered by circumstances... I know small people complain.. I better not complain....



I just wish that I would pull through this valley... I am feeling hurt... I keep disobeying His commandments. Why??? My brother's situation is getting from bad to worse... Is it because me?? Darn...


Life sucks as of now.. Sigh... Nobody understands me.... Not even myself... I think I just wanna ask Sam for her opinion...


Anyways, Swee Kheng introduce me to a song which I like so much. Song that saved my life by Simple Plan. Such a meaningful song. Gonna practice this song on the guitar during my free time. In the mean time, I just wanna practice Heart Of Worship and Freedom We Know or Happy Day. (can't decide which song to practice!!!) :)

2nd September 2011

I just realized that I will always blog only when I have a problem in life...

Parents yesterday had a fierce argument. I don't know the reason why...
I only know that my mother yesterday was having a mood swing yesterday.

Instead of being sad last time, I choose to hold my tears back. I didn't want to be send back to IMH again....

Talked to Swee Kheng abaout it. nothing much to blog about..

Had a outing with Adrian, Ryan, Ming Zhi and Cheston yesterday. The outing felt so different this time round. I lost such a friend and now, I just feel that Ryan is not the same person I once knew... It just feels so awkward trying to salvage the friendship.

I want to integrate Adrian and Sze Hao but Because of him, I lost their trust altogether...


I have lost trust with him and with that, I have lost the group of friends that I have.... I want to tell them that I don't think I can do it but well, I believe that God is there for me. I won't stop believing


This are the times in life where I just wanna scream and shout out my anger..



Now, blogging with my laptop... My mother is packing her luggage and moving away this time. I really hope that she doesn't come back this time round... I really have no hope for my parents... It so messed up.

My brother is a atheist while my dad is a Buddhist pastor. Technically, I am supposed to be the successor of my dad but I chose to become a Christan... I sometimes wonder why I did that when I had such a secure future...


I wanna cry out to God.... please give me the strength to pull through it... can I love you again like my first time??

3rd August 2011

This ain't what I wanted in life... This ain't what I expected... Death of a dream?? I hope so... Not in the mood to even blog about it...
Haiz...

Can't cry but can't smile..

My greatest needs are family and Friends support... I don't even have that.. How pathetic...

Getting very emotional... Maybe I should just blog about it and forget about talking...

Been so hurt... Let's just rewind those few moments where I have..

Ever since the break up of LL and RS, things didn't went well in my life... The fact that RS doesn't trust me and the fact that he made a complete change for the worse...

In my mind, I was told not to get myself into trouble... But in my heart, it told me to give compassion and help... Why did I do it??? I have no idea...

Ever since then... I broke off with that clique of peeps. ( Well, just RS and not the rest)

I tried to pull other friends from their side over but I failed... :(

My family at home would always quarrel and argue... I would always make mistakes in pastoral work and I would always end up with nothing while my friends would just rise up...


Hanging out with Christian friend like LZ didn't help much... Why would anyone laugh at pain and sadness?? Why would you call yourself a Christian???

Persecution are so painful especially if it comes from your very own brother and family... How much more do you want from me???


I tried to wake up early to study hard.. I know I am running out of time now... I hate myself... Help pls... I wanna just let someone know my pain.. I burned myself this time...

Can anyone understand my pain??? Only God does but who else???

My life is so perfect... Still.... I wanna give my best..

I am feeling crushed.... I don't dare to share my pain to my leaders for fear of being discipled by them and remove from pastoral altogether....

I wanna commit myself to church....



They once told me this...

Emotions are just hormones and information that are fired into the brain when the body reacts to circumstances around himself both physically and mentally. It is possible if given the correct condition, the mind can cease to ignore emotion.. By then, a strong logical with high IQ and EQ would conquer anything and anyone..

One of the most effective catalyst would be solitude living condition.

Well, it used to be true for me but as time went by... I can't stop ignoring my emotions... My emotions are hindering my judgement...


I cannot cry infront of anyone... Not ever...

I wish I have someone remembering me when I die....

27th July 2011

So many tags for this post. Reason is to reflect how so many thoughts could actually reflect me..

Oh well, I am happy. :)
Nothing much to blog about, will re edit this post if I have time. Haha! :)

24th July 2011

Sometimes i would ask myself this questions:

Why did I become a Christian??
Why have I benefitted by becoming a Christian??
Why did I chose christianity over other religion??
Why has Christianity got to do with my purpose???


Well, a little background information about myself first.

My dad is a cultivator(that how he coins the terms bur I still think he is a Buddhist) who is able to preach. A pastor. I have been following him since young....

I always thought that I would be his next successor. The fact that I would take over him..

However, as time flows and years pass, I became to discover that I am different from the rest....
I keep having this dream that I was a young child and that I was walking with someone older.. Then all of a sudden, a snake pulled me down to the earth by biting my leg. Specifically my left ankle.
Then I would be pulled down and that how I ended up in this house.
Oh well.. Randomness!!

I became a Christian because I felt His love but by doing so, I have open myself up to heavy persecution and war. Sometimes.... I would ask myself if it was really worth it???
I don't like my school mates who just mock me and my church people from my school who would continue to say hurting words into me.... Arrghh!!! Life is so unfair!!

Friends and family are gone.. What next??? I will keep hanging to you and walk in faith but I don't know how much more I can take before I fall and fade completely...
Being very emo now. :(
I really hate my parents, time after time they cheat my feelings and crush my hopes..
N level result and my parents never even congratulate me.... I am okay that you didn't help me. Yet still insist on coming to ceremony so as to brag about "your" achievement. One word: HYPOCRITE!!

My birthday and you still couldn't give me peace? I seriously hate you both.. Yet I am always forced to help you all the time!

I wanna cry out and break free...... I have no friends now because I have happen to lost my close friends... Feel so alone... So bitter..

Well, my sadness has leaked out and shown it's tail.. People are starting to see that I have become more emo.....

I would pray that someone would just encourage me now.......
I don't have the energy to run this race anymore.
Just one person to speak life into me...
Tell me the purpose of living...
Haizz... Sigh....

25t May 2011

Had a really Tired week after so many waves of Chinese mock exams... Can't they just end it asap? :(

Oh well.. Terrible week... Not gonna blog much anymore...... Nothing to talk about today...

I find peace and joy in You alone.. I know I should be strong... Really ought to thank Rui Jian for sharing such a powerful verse but I am uncertain about it...

I am not making any sense huh? Hahahaha... Nevermind. :) This blog is never private anymore.... Shutting down blog from today onwards...

This will become another place where I will pour my poems rather than blogging about my life.. :)


Poem 1:
Within the ashes of fire, lies the birth of a new being.
Within the darkness, lies a glimmer of light.
Within the light, lies a seed of darkness.
However, within a human's heart lies all of the above.
With such potential that exceed even ourselves.
We have the ability to harness both light and darkness.
It's only a matter of time before both shall rage a war.
The decisive battle is not far from now.

-Edwin Ang

Poem 2:

People always seek for perfection which is impossible.
Yet seeking for perfection helps people to be more perfect.
However, perfection is impossible as nothing is perfect within our vision.
Even the greatest law created by humans are far from perfect.
Yet it is this drive for perfection that's empowers us to do remarkable achievements.
Perfection is imperfect
Imperfection is perfect
Is the word perfection merely a word used without any logical sense?

10th May 2011

So upset and somewhat angry at my parents. Another war broke out again but this time is with the younger brothers.. haizz..

Was hoping you guys would buy a pair of shoe for me because I have no money but even they don't want to buy 1 for me.... Kinda expected...

haha.. what a way to start my post. all so negative uh! hahaha...
I feel so left out and put down by people.... oh well, I am useless anyways. They don't have to talk to someone like me........

I don't even think anyone will be reading this few post anyway.. what am I to them? in fact, no one will be reading this entire blog anyway. Haizz... writing to myself..

Shouldn't had opened up... now feeling so empty... I really feel like talking to someone... Sa.., never mind. will only create more misunderstanding....Everyone has their own lives to take care of...
somehow, only she will understand me better.. Feeling so insecure....

I don't know what to do now... I hate my family honestly speaking... only loving them because is a rule... If I could then I would leave the house and never come back...

I don't dare to ask for a chat even I want to..always get rejected..




On the bright side, I had some time alone doing QT and I feel... somewhat happy and peaceful....
strumming guitar to block out all noises. :)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

5th may 2011

I can't break away from my dangerous habits. :( I told myself not to get involved but I always slide back...

I don't want it in my life anymore! I reject such a habit! >:| I am gonna break down the wall that holds me! Not doing this alone but with Him. :D

gonna start mugging for my remaining exams. The sleeping dragon has finally awoke! :O Hope that isn't too late. :)

Scold me and hate me for who I am as I know I don't deserve love in this world... I don't deserve the fact that I am born accidentally... sheesh! I know my parents wanted a daughter.... So sexist but who cares.

But I do know that God loves me for who I am. :) This is my walk and my life. I decide who I want in my life! :D

I know that I am weak when I fight because of a cause or a reason but it's better than fighting without a cause and a reason. that's blind obedience.

i wanna use my abilities for the good of the people. Not to work for evil causes. :D

overall day: Having high fever now.... but overall great day. :)
overall mood: down but will change. :)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

28th April 2011

Why is it that my eyes are seeing what I am seeing... So much friction..
feeling totally down that everyone start going against me... I totally lost hope....

I am lucky I didn't open up people like you.. you guys only cared not because of genuine care but because it is a obligation to care.... Never once have you guys considered that huh?

i always thought I am something special. It never cross my mind that I was useless in people's eyes... put down by people like you.. not going to join you all anymore...

my heart hurts but I refuse to be weak... I won't shed tears.. only blood. My life is never happy...

Maybe on my birthday, I will just break
all the rules and just say out the true facts.. until then, too bad. ;)

overall day: Great until friction started to show......
overall mood: depressed/irritated/emotional/unhappy/angry/

I wanna shout out my anger or at the very least, cry to someone but I don't know who...... confirm won't be my parents. Confirm won't be my family... so messed up..

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

26th April 2011

had F&N practical today and for the first time, I didn't mess up the presentation! yes! You are good! so blessed to have You answering to my call. :D

sadly though, didn't really do well for my cooking... my food test terrible and wasn't even cooked properly.. sad. :(

Oh well, can't really hope for the best.. I am just happy that I managed to get past today! :D Chinese oral!! oh my!! haha!

oh well, gonna sleep now... gotta start waking up at 3 to study! :)

overall day: long and tiring! keep feeling so tired all the time. :<

overall mood: emotional and very downed... gotta start pulling myself up

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

26th march 2010

I am on the verge of breaking down and burning out.. why must there be people who always use their ability and suppress other people's talent.... I am now feeling crippled and crushed by people who I once thought were people I could actually trust.. I don't wish to feel this way but I feel burned.. backsliding on my mind... help anyone!! pls!! :'(

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

16 march 2011

there is only so much a person can take before the person finally breakdown and crash........
what happen to the love I had with You a year ago?
time to tell my leaders about this... if nothing happen then well.. I will just hang on to Your love till the last spark. :'(

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

my only working blog(12 march 2011)

it's been awhile since I started with my personal blog.. maybe I should just pour out my entire heart into a blog. :)

I feel so stagnant in my walk with You....


Is this what I really wanted in life?
answer: no. I want to do better in my walk with You.

what are your reasons?
answer: because I felt His everlasting love and I believed in something for the first time.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

14 sept 2010

First I am gonna make sure I totally forget about you.
I will delete my knowledge about you.
Traces of you will be gone.
I will never fall back anymore. I don't wanna do this but I have no choice.
Good bye!

11 Sept 2010

I am gonna express my feelings using some poem instead of writing it out here.
Hope people would understand.

It feel great to know you at first
However, I now regret even knowing you
I only want to be friends with you
Is that asking too much?
I feel that I had given you too many chances
I am just trying to be friends
For your information, I am not a weakling
I have now come to a conclusion though,
You have changed. Can't say if that is good or bad though but you have changed.
I don't believe in your lies anymore.
I don't feel happy nor sorrow.
Good luck to you
I won't be there for you anymore if you fall
I had given my best only to realize that you weren't even trying
Even if you come back, I won't forget the past mistakes.
I wanna believe that you are a good person but I know that is not true anymore.
I refuse to give in anymore.
Good bye.

Well~ That is all I guess.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

9th sept 2010

I feel so sad and terrible. Everything in life is crashing down. Family,friends,studies,work,relationship etc. I just can't handle the pressure without support. I wish I am able to hang on to something that is worth fighting for in my life.

29th Aug 2010

I don't want to cry anymore.
I don't want to fall into the same trap twice.
If you don't want to forgive me, I don't care.
It won't do me and you any good.
I know I should not be doing all this. Haha! I will just smile and watch as both of us destroy this friendship.
We used to talk and enjoy each other's company but now we barely maintain eye contact.
I will wait.
I made my move but it is you who rejected me.
I won't make another move until you do something about it.
I don't feel guilty just for your information.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]