8 September 2011

Blogging while on the way home. Went to ECP to cycle with my CG. Totally awesome. :)
Meet some great friends and some 'special' friends.. =O
Lol... I think I am being bad by saying that.. :P haha.
Anyway, had a really great time with them. Cycled with them to Changi (only made it half cause of time constrains. :P ) and had dinner with them.

I just found out recently that Cheryl Chan is leading F1. =O surprised ttvm.. Haha! lol!

Now on the way rushing to NUH to meet with my uncle ( my mother's brother). Kinda shocked that he had a heart attack again. Oh my.. Praying for him. Hope that everything will be alright..


Something about myself, I had this terrible thought that I wanna cut myself yesterday. :( I can't believe I still have that thought... The last time I had this was when I was in primary school.... :(

I am feeling quite desperate now..... What did I do wrong this time round??? Everything seems so perfect from secondary 1... Now it all collapse completely.... Lost my only best friend and relentless attacks from people. I really feel cornered by circumstances... I know small people complain.. I better not complain....



I just wish that I would pull through this valley... I am feeling hurt... I keep disobeying His commandments. Why??? My brother's situation is getting from bad to worse... Is it because me?? Darn...


Life sucks as of now.. Sigh... Nobody understands me.... Not even myself... I think I just wanna ask Sam for her opinion...


Anyways, Swee Kheng introduce me to a song which I like so much. Song that saved my life by Simple Plan. Such a meaningful song. Gonna practice this song on the guitar during my free time. In the mean time, I just wanna practice Heart Of Worship and Freedom We Know or Happy Day. (can't decide which song to practice!!!) :)

3rd August 2011

This ain't what I wanted in life... This ain't what I expected... Death of a dream?? I hope so... Not in the mood to even blog about it...
Haiz...

Can't cry but can't smile..

My greatest needs are family and Friends support... I don't even have that.. How pathetic...

Getting very emotional... Maybe I should just blog about it and forget about talking...

Been so hurt... Let's just rewind those few moments where I have..

Ever since the break up of LL and RS, things didn't went well in my life... The fact that RS doesn't trust me and the fact that he made a complete change for the worse...

In my mind, I was told not to get myself into trouble... But in my heart, it told me to give compassion and help... Why did I do it??? I have no idea...

Ever since then... I broke off with that clique of peeps. ( Well, just RS and not the rest)

I tried to pull other friends from their side over but I failed... :(

My family at home would always quarrel and argue... I would always make mistakes in pastoral work and I would always end up with nothing while my friends would just rise up...


Hanging out with Christian friend like LZ didn't help much... Why would anyone laugh at pain and sadness?? Why would you call yourself a Christian???

Persecution are so painful especially if it comes from your very own brother and family... How much more do you want from me???


I tried to wake up early to study hard.. I know I am running out of time now... I hate myself... Help pls... I wanna just let someone know my pain.. I burned myself this time...

Can anyone understand my pain??? Only God does but who else???

My life is so perfect... Still.... I wanna give my best..

I am feeling crushed.... I don't dare to share my pain to my leaders for fear of being discipled by them and remove from pastoral altogether....

I wanna commit myself to church....



They once told me this...

Emotions are just hormones and information that are fired into the brain when the body reacts to circumstances around himself both physically and mentally. It is possible if given the correct condition, the mind can cease to ignore emotion.. By then, a strong logical with high IQ and EQ would conquer anything and anyone..

One of the most effective catalyst would be solitude living condition.

Well, it used to be true for me but as time went by... I can't stop ignoring my emotions... My emotions are hindering my judgement...


I cannot cry infront of anyone... Not ever...

I wish I have someone remembering me when I die....

27th July 2011

So many tags for this post. Reason is to reflect how so many thoughts could actually reflect me..

Oh well, I am happy. :)
Nothing much to blog about, will re edit this post if I have time. Haha! :)

24th July 2011

Sometimes i would ask myself this questions:

Why did I become a Christian??
Why have I benefitted by becoming a Christian??
Why did I chose christianity over other religion??
Why has Christianity got to do with my purpose???


Well, a little background information about myself first.

My dad is a cultivator(that how he coins the terms bur I still think he is a Buddhist) who is able to preach. A pastor. I have been following him since young....

I always thought that I would be his next successor. The fact that I would take over him..

However, as time flows and years pass, I became to discover that I am different from the rest....
I keep having this dream that I was a young child and that I was walking with someone older.. Then all of a sudden, a snake pulled me down to the earth by biting my leg. Specifically my left ankle.
Then I would be pulled down and that how I ended up in this house.
Oh well.. Randomness!!

I became a Christian because I felt His love but by doing so, I have open myself up to heavy persecution and war. Sometimes.... I would ask myself if it was really worth it???
I don't like my school mates who just mock me and my church people from my school who would continue to say hurting words into me.... Arrghh!!! Life is so unfair!!

Friends and family are gone.. What next??? I will keep hanging to you and walk in faith but I don't know how much more I can take before I fall and fade completely...
Being very emo now. :(
I really hate my parents, time after time they cheat my feelings and crush my hopes..
N level result and my parents never even congratulate me.... I am okay that you didn't help me. Yet still insist on coming to ceremony so as to brag about "your" achievement. One word: HYPOCRITE!!

My birthday and you still couldn't give me peace? I seriously hate you both.. Yet I am always forced to help you all the time!

I wanna cry out and break free...... I have no friends now because I have happen to lost my close friends... Feel so alone... So bitter..

Well, my sadness has leaked out and shown it's tail.. People are starting to see that I have become more emo.....

I would pray that someone would just encourage me now.......
I don't have the energy to run this race anymore.
Just one person to speak life into me...
Tell me the purpose of living...
Haizz... Sigh....

16th June 2011

7.16pm
This has been a terrible roller coaster ride... A ride where things started to change...
I know now that friends aren't real in life...
The world is a place where solitude exist.
However, I know that I have a friend who I can rely on when my life crashes...
Thank You for letting me meet such a person in life. :)

Had a really terrible nightmare.... What's the point of even describing it? Is always my past flash backs. :) Haha!

Had a really awesome camp! Crossroad camp has really impacted me.. I wanted to thank Roy for praying for me. (:

Going out to have dinner with my parents soon. Will blog again later. :D

Peace! (Y)

10.02pm

My house has become a war zone where cold war can take place. :O
Shocking to see that both parties are arguing. :(
Oh well, maybe I will blog early in the morning.
I just realized that I made a terrible mistake in pastoral work today. Gotta be more careful next time.

25t May 2011

Had a really Tired week after so many waves of Chinese mock exams... Can't they just end it asap? :(

Oh well.. Terrible week... Not gonna blog much anymore...... Nothing to talk about today...

I find peace and joy in You alone.. I know I should be strong... Really ought to thank Rui Jian for sharing such a powerful verse but I am uncertain about it...

I am not making any sense huh? Hahahaha... Nevermind. :) This blog is never private anymore.... Shutting down blog from today onwards...

This will become another place where I will pour my poems rather than blogging about my life.. :)


Poem 1:
Within the ashes of fire, lies the birth of a new being.
Within the darkness, lies a glimmer of light.
Within the light, lies a seed of darkness.
However, within a human's heart lies all of the above.
With such potential that exceed even ourselves.
We have the ability to harness both light and darkness.
It's only a matter of time before both shall rage a war.
The decisive battle is not far from now.

-Edwin Ang

Poem 2:

People always seek for perfection which is impossible.
Yet seeking for perfection helps people to be more perfect.
However, perfection is impossible as nothing is perfect within our vision.
Even the greatest law created by humans are far from perfect.
Yet it is this drive for perfection that's empowers us to do remarkable achievements.
Perfection is imperfect
Imperfection is perfect
Is the word perfection merely a word used without any logical sense?

23th May 2011

Time: 5.46am

It takes people to remind me multiple times but if only takes Him just 1 word to make me wake up.

Have a great and fruitful weekend. Was blown away by service. :)
I am not useless.. :D thank You for constantly reminding me that..

Was severely discouraged on Friday and didn't know who to talk to until Samantha started to talk to me..

She is truly a strong woman of God. :) Thank God for blessing me with such a wonderful sister in Christ. :)

That aside, Chinese O levels is coming soon.. Gonna be taken down from ministry soon. :( sad.

Oh well, gonna blog soon..

PS: This blog has been filled with too much negative thoughts again... Contaminated by darkness.. If this continues, then I will have to shut down this blog again..



8.11pm

I just have this very strong feeling that I am totally disconnected from God's family... :( Miracles happening in their school but not mine.. :(

Feel like talking to people like them is just wasting my time and energy.. Oh my... Guess I am being very negative about myself again... Shucks....

Shutting down this blog soon...

7th May 2011

Greatly impacted by today's service. :) Thank you Senior pastors for praying for me. :) I feel different after listening to your sermons.

I will have the hunger to know more of You each day. As I live each day, I will learn to be more like you. A unlawful hunger. I won't be held back by circumstances. :D

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

6th May 2011 (continued)

Had a really awesome time hanging out with one of my friends from JJC. Although is just a study outing, had really appreciated his effort to spend time with me to just teach me. :) Gonna be the best! :D

From my previous post, I just wanna add on something. The reason I did so well is because I had His grace and wisdom by my side all the time. :) I always wondered how people do so well and yet be so active... now I know. ;) AE rocks! :D

haha that's the positive side of my life now. As for the negative side, the list just keeps on adding for some reason.


(Ignore the next few paragraph if you don't wanna hear me nag)



Now that I am useless and not of any value to you guys anymore, what will you do to me? I guess there is no such thing as respect in life huh? sheesh!

I don't know if it is just me or is everyone else starting to hate me? I lost all the motivation and courage to talk to people anymore... Talking to news friends never fell so painful ever since you spoke those words to me...
(EDWINNNN!! don't think so much! You are changed! Be happy! smile! :D)

maybe is just me thinking too much. :) I am awesome! I can't cheer people up but I can always be there for people. regardless of academic or emotional, I will help people to my fullest! :)

I wanna fill this blog with positive thoughts. Leaving behind happy and joyful memories instead of shedding tears over the past.

This is my present. I may not have a childhood at all but I wanna to leave a positive impact for everyone. :D

This is my resolve! This is my drive! I won't stop till my last breathe. :)

LOL! getting so agitated again. Gotta pull myself together and start to believe. :D

Overall day: Awesome day! studying with a friend greatly boost my moral. But tio crushed by reality. oh well, Can't be positive all the time. :)

Overall mood: kinda moody till the point I can sleep. :O oh my! sound so gay now!! haha! but still very happy.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

6th May 2011

it's 4am now and I am blogging. :)
Sometimes people ask me questions like:
"Hey Edwin! why you study so hard?"
"hey Edwin! How you do so well for N levels?"
etc etc...

well, if the truth were to be said, Because I wanted to prove the world that i am not stupid and with God, all things are possible...
positive side settled. Negative side is because I had enough of people calling me stupid....

The feeling of being rejected even though they are my parents just cuts me deep.. ever since that day, we never had a heart to heart conversation. -_-" Only about work and politics...

I know I sound so bad by saying this but well, that's the truth. :) haha! no point lying to myself anymore. that's the reason why I don't want them to come for my achievers day. faking it isn't gonna help.

I want to have more people reading this blog.. I wanna slowly open up to people. So far only 1 reader..

I was once full of hope as I was totally naive but after knowing so much.. i can't smile for real anymore.... sheesh! I hate this feeling.

I have bottled up emotions again... This is bad. I now want to seek attention.. I don't want to be a attention seeker.. :( But the feeling to talk to someone...

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

5th may 2011

I can't break away from my dangerous habits. :( I told myself not to get involved but I always slide back...

I don't want it in my life anymore! I reject such a habit! >:| I am gonna break down the wall that holds me! Not doing this alone but with Him. :D

gonna start mugging for my remaining exams. The sleeping dragon has finally awoke! :O Hope that isn't too late. :)

Scold me and hate me for who I am as I know I don't deserve love in this world... I don't deserve the fact that I am born accidentally... sheesh! I know my parents wanted a daughter.... So sexist but who cares.

But I do know that God loves me for who I am. :) This is my walk and my life. I decide who I want in my life! :D

I know that I am weak when I fight because of a cause or a reason but it's better than fighting without a cause and a reason. that's blind obedience.

i wanna use my abilities for the good of the people. Not to work for evil causes. :D

overall day: Having high fever now.... but overall great day. :)
overall mood: down but will change. :)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

4th May 2011

I can't sleep today. :( woke up at 4 am to study and somehow I had this feeling that I should spend 30 min doing QT.

Sure enough I followed it and it led me to being ministered by Him. Such a overwhelming Presence filled the room. :| It shared something very important...

It reminded of the Gospel where all the disciples of Jesus left Him and He was at the mercy of everyone... That got me thinking... what is going on?

what is He trying to tell me??

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

3rd May 2011

Everyone has exiled me from their group... ever since problems started to arise, Friends which I once had were gone....

I only wanted to join a group of people whom I can truly call my friends.. Now all that is gone... persecution and hate only exist... I want real friends, people who can truly understand me...

Even the people I place the trust most has finally stabbed me... My strength and hope has finally been crushed.... Is this another test set by You?

The sense of emptiness.... Just get out!!! I place so much effort and hope and all you did was to judge me with your naked eyes and what people think of me?

I know I should not hold grudges but I can't take it anymore!!!!

1 by 1, I lost friends and people whom I can trust... Friends whom I can trust fall apart....

That's the reason I live in solitude... I am always that naive to open up only to get stabbed by people...

So much for trying...

why does this thoughts always fill my mind? That answer is simple, I was taught to think like that. life ain't easy!

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

28th April 2011

Why is it that my eyes are seeing what I am seeing... So much friction..
feeling totally down that everyone start going against me... I totally lost hope....

I am lucky I didn't open up people like you.. you guys only cared not because of genuine care but because it is a obligation to care.... Never once have you guys considered that huh?

i always thought I am something special. It never cross my mind that I was useless in people's eyes... put down by people like you.. not going to join you all anymore...

my heart hurts but I refuse to be weak... I won't shed tears.. only blood. My life is never happy...

Maybe on my birthday, I will just break
all the rules and just say out the true facts.. until then, too bad. ;)

overall day: Great until friction started to show......
overall mood: depressed/irritated/emotional/unhappy/angry/

I wanna shout out my anger or at the very least, cry to someone but I don't know who...... confirm won't be my parents. Confirm won't be my family... so messed up..

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

20th April 2011

feeling so hurt by lashes..
Confused
Insecure
Discouraged
I wanna be more like You.
being the salt and being someone who will shine Your light other people..
I don't wanna backslide because of 1 incident but I feel hurt.. maybe she was unwise.. not going to take this with me anymore.
I wanna be myself starting from tomorrow. :)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

19th April 2011

Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you.

-Hebrews 13:17
I see now.. maybe I should not have reacted that way.. I will sincerely apologize... better obey my leaders.. the reason she is a leader is because of His will.. I won't disobey Your orders.

I seek for perfection although nobody can be perfect. :)

I want to be more like You. give me a second chance and help me remove all the pain and emotions away from me.

thank You..

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

17th April 2011

I really ought to start believing in His words.. no more letting my emotions lose control of myself..
I wanna serve without any heartache or without any worrying thoughts that hinder my judgement. I lift up my life into Your hands.

getting emotional yet again.. :P
gonna start writing cards for Easter people. :) Jia You Edwin! :D

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

15th April 2011

Finally after sports day! so bored and so much time wasted but it is totally worthwhile! :) haha!!

spend most of the time making a fool of myself and at the same time, spend the remaining days playing with people. :) lobe listening to P&W songs for CCH! haha! :)

I think I know what I really need i my life now. need to be close with God's family. at the same time, gonna start bringing peeps to know God.

I will be faith filled. :)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

14th April 2011

Went to hang out with 2 of my best CG mates. Although it was nothing special, I feel that I was included in a family. I really felt that I was part of God's family.

I just feel totally angry and annoyed that my church school mates don't even include me in the discussion on Easter day... I know I should not have fallen asleep and I apologize for that but that doesn't mean that you have to treat me like an outsider..

I had enough of people like you! Just don't talk to me altogether! you just keep making me more annoyed and disappointed of you. -_-" oh man.. couldn't believe I am thinking like this... really sorry.. :(

so angry today especially those 2 idiots who keep challenging my educational knowledge. You think you big ar!? n level get so high still dare to talk so much cock! I trying to teach you yet you complain saying my knowledge is wrong?!

So what if u can identify 1 or 2 of my mistakes in my answers? It just means that I am not careful. Stop thinking that you are some genius! here I am teaching you how to do yet you refuse to listen and complain saying my answer is wrong! if it I'd wrong then do it yourself la! noob!
act so spiritual and yet keep saying different things.. don't lie to yourself la!

Totally so angry with the both of them.... really ought to control my temper.... Don't you all dare to step on me! I don't usually blow up but don't go try me. you will be sorry if you do.


Well, other than that, I feel that I should take actions into my own hands. No more hiding myself anymore. I wanna start reaching out on my own and I won't hold back.

overall day: terrible and long.. wish tomorrow is better

overall mood: angry and annoyed. so many people pushing the wrong buttons in me. gotta control it.. :|

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

11th April 2011

The song 'You are my Father' never fails to make me so amazed by God's love.
ever since I made the best choice in 4th April 2011. sure I may have gone through persecution and some even question about my Faith.. But I chose to believe as He filled up my emptiness. in my heart. I now I didn't have much ability and I was a burden to society but you chose to love me despite all that. :)

My entire life is Yours. I will follow and do things according to Your plans.

The 10 commandments I will follow. no more falling back to sinful ways. I am made holy by You.

Oh my... didn't know I would get so emotional again.. :( better avoid being emotional.. I wanna learn how to play the guitar and drums. can anyone teach me??? I seriously wanna get a guitar but no money.. :'(
overall day: slow and normal
overall mood: emotional and depressed for no reason. :(

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]