8 September 2011

Blogging while on the way home. Went to ECP to cycle with my CG. Totally awesome. :)
Meet some great friends and some 'special' friends.. =O
Lol... I think I am being bad by saying that.. :P haha.
Anyway, had a really great time with them. Cycled with them to Changi (only made it half cause of time constrains. :P ) and had dinner with them.

I just found out recently that Cheryl Chan is leading F1. =O surprised ttvm.. Haha! lol!

Now on the way rushing to NUH to meet with my uncle ( my mother's brother). Kinda shocked that he had a heart attack again. Oh my.. Praying for him. Hope that everything will be alright..


Something about myself, I had this terrible thought that I wanna cut myself yesterday. :( I can't believe I still have that thought... The last time I had this was when I was in primary school.... :(

I am feeling quite desperate now..... What did I do wrong this time round??? Everything seems so perfect from secondary 1... Now it all collapse completely.... Lost my only best friend and relentless attacks from people. I really feel cornered by circumstances... I know small people complain.. I better not complain....



I just wish that I would pull through this valley... I am feeling hurt... I keep disobeying His commandments. Why??? My brother's situation is getting from bad to worse... Is it because me?? Darn...


Life sucks as of now.. Sigh... Nobody understands me.... Not even myself... I think I just wanna ask Sam for her opinion...


Anyways, Swee Kheng introduce me to a song which I like so much. Song that saved my life by Simple Plan. Such a meaningful song. Gonna practice this song on the guitar during my free time. In the mean time, I just wanna practice Heart Of Worship and Freedom We Know or Happy Day. (can't decide which song to practice!!!) :)

7th September 2011

Quick post before going back to study.....

Listening to back to December made me have flashbacks of her.... :(


Should have just deleted that song.. D: oh well,




I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while

You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up, and I know why

Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time

These days, I haven't been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, and I didn't call

Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall

And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

This is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time, all the time

3rd August 2011

This ain't what I wanted in life... This ain't what I expected... Death of a dream?? I hope so... Not in the mood to even blog about it...
Haiz...

Can't cry but can't smile..

My greatest needs are family and Friends support... I don't even have that.. How pathetic...

Getting very emotional... Maybe I should just blog about it and forget about talking...

Been so hurt... Let's just rewind those few moments where I have..

Ever since the break up of LL and RS, things didn't went well in my life... The fact that RS doesn't trust me and the fact that he made a complete change for the worse...

In my mind, I was told not to get myself into trouble... But in my heart, it told me to give compassion and help... Why did I do it??? I have no idea...

Ever since then... I broke off with that clique of peeps. ( Well, just RS and not the rest)

I tried to pull other friends from their side over but I failed... :(

My family at home would always quarrel and argue... I would always make mistakes in pastoral work and I would always end up with nothing while my friends would just rise up...


Hanging out with Christian friend like LZ didn't help much... Why would anyone laugh at pain and sadness?? Why would you call yourself a Christian???

Persecution are so painful especially if it comes from your very own brother and family... How much more do you want from me???


I tried to wake up early to study hard.. I know I am running out of time now... I hate myself... Help pls... I wanna just let someone know my pain.. I burned myself this time...

Can anyone understand my pain??? Only God does but who else???

My life is so perfect... Still.... I wanna give my best..

I am feeling crushed.... I don't dare to share my pain to my leaders for fear of being discipled by them and remove from pastoral altogether....

I wanna commit myself to church....



They once told me this...

Emotions are just hormones and information that are fired into the brain when the body reacts to circumstances around himself both physically and mentally. It is possible if given the correct condition, the mind can cease to ignore emotion.. By then, a strong logical with high IQ and EQ would conquer anything and anyone..

One of the most effective catalyst would be solitude living condition.

Well, it used to be true for me but as time went by... I can't stop ignoring my emotions... My emotions are hindering my judgement...


I cannot cry infront of anyone... Not ever...

I wish I have someone remembering me when I die....

27th July 2011

So many tags for this post. Reason is to reflect how so many thoughts could actually reflect me..

Oh well, I am happy. :)
Nothing much to blog about, will re edit this post if I have time. Haha! :)

24th July 2011

Sometimes i would ask myself this questions:

Why did I become a Christian??
Why have I benefitted by becoming a Christian??
Why did I chose christianity over other religion??
Why has Christianity got to do with my purpose???


Well, a little background information about myself first.

My dad is a cultivator(that how he coins the terms bur I still think he is a Buddhist) who is able to preach. A pastor. I have been following him since young....

I always thought that I would be his next successor. The fact that I would take over him..

However, as time flows and years pass, I became to discover that I am different from the rest....
I keep having this dream that I was a young child and that I was walking with someone older.. Then all of a sudden, a snake pulled me down to the earth by biting my leg. Specifically my left ankle.
Then I would be pulled down and that how I ended up in this house.
Oh well.. Randomness!!

I became a Christian because I felt His love but by doing so, I have open myself up to heavy persecution and war. Sometimes.... I would ask myself if it was really worth it???
I don't like my school mates who just mock me and my church people from my school who would continue to say hurting words into me.... Arrghh!!! Life is so unfair!!

Friends and family are gone.. What next??? I will keep hanging to you and walk in faith but I don't know how much more I can take before I fall and fade completely...
Being very emo now. :(
I really hate my parents, time after time they cheat my feelings and crush my hopes..
N level result and my parents never even congratulate me.... I am okay that you didn't help me. Yet still insist on coming to ceremony so as to brag about "your" achievement. One word: HYPOCRITE!!

My birthday and you still couldn't give me peace? I seriously hate you both.. Yet I am always forced to help you all the time!

I wanna cry out and break free...... I have no friends now because I have happen to lost my close friends... Feel so alone... So bitter..

Well, my sadness has leaked out and shown it's tail.. People are starting to see that I have become more emo.....

I would pray that someone would just encourage me now.......
I don't have the energy to run this race anymore.
Just one person to speak life into me...
Tell me the purpose of living...
Haizz... Sigh....

21th July 2011

Feeling very emo in the morning... :(
Keep thinking of past struggles for some reason..

Still can't believe that our relationship degraded...
Yesterday set infront of Desiree.. So quiet and so silent..
Actually I don't really care about it anymore...

Writing this post not hoping to draw attention. Writing this post to describe how I truly feel. :(

Life never improve at home... I wanna leave the house once and for all... :'(

Everyone has such a great family.. Oh well, guess not everyone will have a happy ending.
Just for your information, its 5.30am now...

My life sucks... Sigh...
I wanna grow.. Grow at my own pace.. I had enough of people calling me useless.. :(

Oh well, that what I get when I let my heart win.. :|
I am starting to lose sight of who I am...

Arrghh!!! EDWIN!! Don't emo!!! The worse is over!!!

Living a life full of love. :) such a simple action like remembering my name is more than enough. I love my CG F4. :)
I love HOGC
I love my life.
I am so gonna have a breakthrough. :)

6th May 2011 (continued)

Had a really awesome time hanging out with one of my friends from JJC. Although is just a study outing, had really appreciated his effort to spend time with me to just teach me. :) Gonna be the best! :D

From my previous post, I just wanna add on something. The reason I did so well is because I had His grace and wisdom by my side all the time. :) I always wondered how people do so well and yet be so active... now I know. ;) AE rocks! :D

haha that's the positive side of my life now. As for the negative side, the list just keeps on adding for some reason.


(Ignore the next few paragraph if you don't wanna hear me nag)



Now that I am useless and not of any value to you guys anymore, what will you do to me? I guess there is no such thing as respect in life huh? sheesh!

I don't know if it is just me or is everyone else starting to hate me? I lost all the motivation and courage to talk to people anymore... Talking to news friends never fell so painful ever since you spoke those words to me...
(EDWINNNN!! don't think so much! You are changed! Be happy! smile! :D)

maybe is just me thinking too much. :) I am awesome! I can't cheer people up but I can always be there for people. regardless of academic or emotional, I will help people to my fullest! :)

I wanna fill this blog with positive thoughts. Leaving behind happy and joyful memories instead of shedding tears over the past.

This is my present. I may not have a childhood at all but I wanna to leave a positive impact for everyone. :D

This is my resolve! This is my drive! I won't stop till my last breathe. :)

LOL! getting so agitated again. Gotta pull myself together and start to believe. :D

Overall day: Awesome day! studying with a friend greatly boost my moral. But tio crushed by reality. oh well, Can't be positive all the time. :)

Overall mood: kinda moody till the point I can sleep. :O oh my! sound so gay now!! haha! but still very happy.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

6th May 2011

it's 4am now and I am blogging. :)
Sometimes people ask me questions like:
"Hey Edwin! why you study so hard?"
"hey Edwin! How you do so well for N levels?"
etc etc...

well, if the truth were to be said, Because I wanted to prove the world that i am not stupid and with God, all things are possible...
positive side settled. Negative side is because I had enough of people calling me stupid....

The feeling of being rejected even though they are my parents just cuts me deep.. ever since that day, we never had a heart to heart conversation. -_-" Only about work and politics...

I know I sound so bad by saying this but well, that's the truth. :) haha! no point lying to myself anymore. that's the reason why I don't want them to come for my achievers day. faking it isn't gonna help.

I want to have more people reading this blog.. I wanna slowly open up to people. So far only 1 reader..

I was once full of hope as I was totally naive but after knowing so much.. i can't smile for real anymore.... sheesh! I hate this feeling.

I have bottled up emotions again... This is bad. I now want to seek attention.. I don't want to be a attention seeker.. :( But the feeling to talk to someone...

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

5th may 2011

I can't break away from my dangerous habits. :( I told myself not to get involved but I always slide back...

I don't want it in my life anymore! I reject such a habit! >:| I am gonna break down the wall that holds me! Not doing this alone but with Him. :D

gonna start mugging for my remaining exams. The sleeping dragon has finally awoke! :O Hope that isn't too late. :)

Scold me and hate me for who I am as I know I don't deserve love in this world... I don't deserve the fact that I am born accidentally... sheesh! I know my parents wanted a daughter.... So sexist but who cares.

But I do know that God loves me for who I am. :) This is my walk and my life. I decide who I want in my life! :D

I know that I am weak when I fight because of a cause or a reason but it's better than fighting without a cause and a reason. that's blind obedience.

i wanna use my abilities for the good of the people. Not to work for evil causes. :D

overall day: Having high fever now.... but overall great day. :)
overall mood: down but will change. :)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

2nd May 2011

I have a really strong feeling that I need to tell my leaders about this blog rather than keeping it to myself. I trust him more than I trust myself. :P LOL! (contracting sentence! EDWIN! you not not making sense!)

it's 8am now and everyone is asleep. Wish the house would be this quiet everyday. Small things also need to argue.. sheesh! :P Oh well. Cherish what I have ba..

one thing that I don't have now is money. :'( I running out of cash le. :( Have to start working again. Online blog shop anyone? Studying on that now.

I realized that I had that dream for so long but it never ends. :O what happens after I fall into the ocean?? That feeling.. so real and so powerful. What happened before I also not sure. :P

Self encouragement: Edwin! Remember how far you have come up to now because of Him. Don't let everyone's effort go to waste!!

I can still remember what she said to me during my primary school day.. that conversation that changed my life...

Me: Why must God do this to me?! If he really exist then why torture me and not the people who harmed me!?

Her: Maybe God wants to pour out blessing into your life but he wants to see if you are capable or not. He is giving you a test.

Me: It painful to live each day with the thought of suicide..

Her: Edwin! *Taps on my shoulder and looked at me in the eyes* Everyone has potential, God has given everyone a ability. If you die, wouldn't it be a waste to lose your ability? You may not know your ability until you try. Don't worry what happens, God always love you.

I can't believe I broke down after that conversation.. but that conversation kept me up and given me hope till today. I know it sounds like a fairytale and even up till today, I still think it's a miracle. :O but I believe it's real. Fairytale endings do exist. Just need to look hard enough to see that.
I wanna love everyone like how she loved me and given me encouragement. Thank You for showing me my abilities. :')

Oh my.. so emotional again.. haha.. oh well, blog later.

Mobile Blogging from here.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

11th April 2011

The song 'You are my Father' never fails to make me so amazed by God's love.
ever since I made the best choice in 4th April 2011. sure I may have gone through persecution and some even question about my Faith.. But I chose to believe as He filled up my emptiness. in my heart. I now I didn't have much ability and I was a burden to society but you chose to love me despite all that. :)

My entire life is Yours. I will follow and do things according to Your plans.

The 10 commandments I will follow. no more falling back to sinful ways. I am made holy by You.

Oh my... didn't know I would get so emotional again.. :( better avoid being emotional.. I wanna learn how to play the guitar and drums. can anyone teach me??? I seriously wanna get a guitar but no money.. :'(
overall day: slow and normal
overall mood: emotional and depressed for no reason. :(

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

7th April 2011

the people I have met in my life.. so many of them and each of them has a different personality.

However, the people that I want in my life now are my CG people and the person who brought me to Christ. :) with that I have learn a lot of things. I can never thank her enough.

I also thank God for how much he has done in my life. :) for drawing closer to you, I have learned important life lesson from You.

You are going be everything in my life story! I am not going to let you be just a chapter in my life! :)

I know I may not be much but I believe anything is possible. I may not be talented but I believed I am doing my best!

I am a failed experiment but I am the only experiment that can survived and do so well. This shows how determined I am. :)

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

29th march 2010

last Sunday(27th march 2011) had shared about my feelings with my leaders.
it last about 30 minutes and after that session, I feel a awful heavy load of misunderstanding and burden lifted. could not believed that it was that fast. just sharing with my leaders could help in lifting up the burden.
However, it also got me thinking more about my life though.. I should draw closer to God. I wanna carry the burden of the church.
I just realized something though.. I have been too loud and been too talkative.... I guess it is time to change soon. starting from tomorrow, I wanna slowly become more quiet and listen more.
I feel hurt but at the same time, it does not burn like the feeling I had before I opened up to my leaders. I wanna be opened like a opened book.
As I live each day, I wish to follow the footsteps of people I can trust. I wanna have a solid thinking.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

14th Oct 2010

read finish all my previous post. I just realize that I am unstable in my thinking.
Maybe it is really true that I am just another failed experiment. =P
Oh well, who cares. =D
Haha!
Live life to the fullest!
I know I can't change the past but I know I can change the future. =D

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

19th sept 2010

Yesterday was one of the most memorable night of my life.
I apologize to her after plucking up all my courage.
Didn't expect her to forgive me so easily but now........ I am just totally shocked that she did.
Guess anything is possible.
I made a terrible mistake by losing faith in God.
At least now I know that God still loves me like a child and wants me to grow for the better.
I totally thank Him for giving me the courage and molding me to become a cultured person.
For that I am at a lost for words. =D
I just can't describe how much I love you God.
I can't thank you enough. =)
After yesterday, I felt like a changed person.
Not gonna blog too much about this anymore. Cya~
=D

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

11 Sept 2010

I am gonna express my feelings using some poem instead of writing it out here.
Hope people would understand.

It feel great to know you at first
However, I now regret even knowing you
I only want to be friends with you
Is that asking too much?
I feel that I had given you too many chances
I am just trying to be friends
For your information, I am not a weakling
I have now come to a conclusion though,
You have changed. Can't say if that is good or bad though but you have changed.
I don't believe in your lies anymore.
I don't feel happy nor sorrow.
Good luck to you
I won't be there for you anymore if you fall
I had given my best only to realize that you weren't even trying
Even if you come back, I won't forget the past mistakes.
I wanna believe that you are a good person but I know that is not true anymore.
I refuse to give in anymore.
Good bye.

Well~ That is all I guess.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

29th Aug 2010

I don't want to cry anymore.
I don't want to fall into the same trap twice.
If you don't want to forgive me, I don't care.
It won't do me and you any good.
I know I should not be doing all this. Haha! I will just smile and watch as both of us destroy this friendship.
We used to talk and enjoy each other's company but now we barely maintain eye contact.
I will wait.
I made my move but it is you who rejected me.
I won't make another move until you do something about it.
I don't feel guilty just for your information.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]